FOR SALE: one slightly used, fairly hip, somewhat tragic, extra small magazine of color. Though it is a serious chick magnet, it has become more trouble than it’s worth. Can be had for the price of a bottle of Night Train. OBO.
SHOT GUN FOR SALE: Celebrity owner. Fired once. Some blood and mascara. Seattle.
FOUND: a bundle of cash in the road last Tuesday. Aprox 6 gees. It didn’t have a name so I was gonna keep it but there was a note. It said: “To be paid to the person who kills Jesse Helmes.” Well, naturally I was shocked and offended but being of good moral fiber I’m holding onto the money just in case somebody does kill him. I mean, I can’t advocate the murder of a US Senator but, Jeeze, it’s not really my money either.
ST. JUDE, thank you for helping me remember where I buried that high school student.
FOR SALE: one soul, divers poems, two mutant cats, five assorted guitars, notebook computer. Computer in good condition.
LOOKING for Good Home for 2 year old female pitbull. Loves kids. I mean really loves kids.
WILL PAY GOOD $$$ for human souls, any condition. Fundamentalist husband and wife teams given preference. We also buy used Levis. Info call Lucy Furr at 666-6666.
NEEDED! New livers! Human organs only, no swine! Inquire at majenta corporate headquarters. Bring booze.
LOST: 7 castaways. Boat Captain, First Mate, Billionaire Couple, Movie Star, Farm Girl, and Physics Professor. Each answers to: Ashley, Neil, Orion and Todd, Elisa, Pat, Barnaby — in that order. Please call AnElektrumPress.
WANTED: crack addict for work for hire, Las Cruces area. I’ve got the rocks, do you have the can of gasoline? Will fill your pockets with rock cocaine in exchange for burning down ex-girlfriend’s house and stabbing anyone who makes it out. Please call AnElektrumPress.
POSITION AVAILABLE: Incredible pay, short hours. If you’re certified by the California Board as a Cunning Linguist I need you; for personal test call Oprah (Burbank).
WANTED: Telepath. Apply in person, you know where.
KILLER 4 HIRE: Dirty deeds, but not Cheap! Modern gear, 24hr location of targets, wide range of termination techniques; want an accident, poisoning, drowning, painful death with forced capitulation on video tape? You’ve got it! Falsified coroners reports extra. All clientele are welcome but please, Mr. Pond, stop calling to ask for Christmas discounts.
CONSPIRACIES are our business. Right wing, left wing, chicken wing, we don’t care, we’ll go after anybody! Call AnElektrumPress editorial department.
Cutting edge Three Card Monty duo in search of a third. Will train,
but preference goes to at least some experience scamming. Any
legal experience will also be taken into consideration.
LOST: $6,000 in brown paper bag. Return to T Kennedy, US Congress, HOR. REWARD for quiet and immediate return.
Regal Temporary is now hiring temps for all shifts. Excellent
benefits, vacation pay, temp-to-hire possibilities, workman’s
compensation, etc. What are you waiting for? Let Regal start working
for you today.
Great Opportunity! Regal Temporary Services is currently looking for
corporate minds to brainstorm new ways of sticking forks into our
employees. If you’ve got a knack for making stingy vacation-pay
loop-holes sound like reasonable regulations — if you can sell off
violations of privacy as worker safety concern, welcome aboard!
Guzzle cheap coffee and read the memos of an invisible boss while our
strung along, labor-ready, nigger-bitch maggots start working for you
today.
Need Cash!? Have a gun? Know the Las Cruces area? No compunctions about shooting a stranger? A woman? Her innocent kin? CALL now! Dial information for AnElektrumPress.
|
F blonde ass-licker twins seek an audience. We will only lick each
other’s asses — no sex involved!
I have the gerbils, do you have the time. 5'4", 250 lb. SWM seeks waifish construction worker. PVC pipe a must. Come and organize my lumber.
Sex, I just want sex. I’m not that attractive, I smell and have pimples in my armpits, but, Jesus Christ, am I loaded. Straight, gay, attractive, deformed, HIV positive or negative makes no difference.
1/2 Mexican, 1/2 English SWM. Young, tall, intelligent, very attractive. I will pay top dollar for fresh corpses. Warm or luke-warm, NO rigor mortis. Lubrication is not the issue, I just cannot stand the snapping sound of a pelvis breaking when a corpse’s legs are pried apart. Mutilation is not an problem. Can you help?
Armless, legless sexual wonder seeks flexible, large breasted necrophile to play “sit and spin.” Let’s test the limits of your equilibrium.
SWM, 30, 6'3", long sandy blonde hair, local publishing mogul, big frog in smallish pond, desperately needs Ava Harvey for light secretarial duty. Overnight bag and inoculation record a must. Will pay in spankings.
25YO Irish-American advice columnist with quick temper seeks beautiful and exotic women of low character and lower self-esteem. Must enjoy potatoes and not be easily offended, bitch.
My place is covered in plastic and ready for the “slip and slide” of love. 36-25-36, 24 year old drop dead gorgeous woman with severe back acne. Can you fill my needs? Do you have what it takes to be my dermatologist of love?
SWF seeks SWF 18-45 for long walks, midnight dances in the desert, champagne breakfasts, mountain biking, river rafting. I seek a socially conscious woman who recycles, is not afraid to bare her soul, and really likes eating pussy.
39DD state champ gymnast seeks quadruple amputee to recapture the lost magic of childhood games. No weirdos, please.
I saw you, long strawberry blonde hair, 5'9", you had on frayed Levis and a red and brown flannel shirt, Nike hiking boots and a braided belt.You were reading Stephen King and drinking Chivas. Before our eyes could meet, the rose bush outside your bedroom window scratched my cock and I had to turn my attention to my nether regions. Please call.
46YO male, 5'7", 480 lb.s seeks exchange students, orphans preferred, with poor English skills.
MORE FLIP SIDE
AD: EGG SEEKS BANANA. SWM, 39, 6'2", 185 lbs. likes going for drives,
hiking, movies, dining out, computers. Seeks attractive professional
SAF ready for right person.
majenta: Wannabe Buddha seeks girl with studded strap-on. Grab the
flab, and give it to your old boy, Tubbo.
AD: Where are the smart girls? Not the ones who say “intelligent”
meaning a dream of hip or domestic bliss. Where are the actresses,
seductresses, accomplices? Here are the ones who think “relationship”
is a point of departure? Oh, but of course, they’ve eluded me!
majenta: Uhhhhheeeeuhhhh, duya, say, uh....Mr. Braindead seeks Ms.
Booksmart. Fool me for life.
AD: 1969 SWM 6'1", attractive, successful, self-employed photographer,
loves travel, kitch, ocean living, blondes, 24-32.
majenta: Ken needs a new Barbie — old one hit the bottle. Bad teeth
or small tits not a problem — I have friends in both fields. I’m
sensitive to a point, but watch out. Embarrass me in front of a
single acquaintance and I’ll flush you like a sack of cocaine.
AD: Susan Sarandon look-alike. Wacky 55 year old grandmother seeks
witty, irreverent, polite, educated companion of any age. East Coast
WASP, yoga, techno-rock, fiction writer.
majenta: Stick it in my ass, Sonny.
|
The Flip Side
Note: This is a very important part of Majenta’s personals — the
interpretational side if you’d like. Here we take actual personal ads
from actual (opposite of virtual) periodicals and lend our own wisdom
to enhance the clarity of the message, therefore increasing, in our
opinion, the chances of a successful match.
First we present the ad as printed, then comes our take, which
again is meant only to ensure a broader understanding between the
people that use this time honored method of courtship.
Happy hunting!
AD: Single Asian Male seeks indie rock princess. Male pretension,
like intelligent conversation and joking around. Let’s snuggle.
majenta: Pip-squeak seeks teddy bear in leather lingerie. I’d suck David
Grohl’s dick right in front of you, but otherwise am very straight. Go
easy on my wallet.
AD: Do you read the New Yorker? WF seeks WM 38-50, like film, travel, dancing, comedy, walks, opinions. Southern heritage a plus.
majenta: Scarlet seeks Rhett. You are semi-literate, know the difference between Tijuana and Vancouver, laugh at inanities, have no disabilities, and can repeat editorials verbatim. Yankees need not apply.
AD: Dashing and Cavalier? Would thou like to meet a lady privateer?
Thou must be betwixt the ages of 25 and 35. Only roguish handsome
devils need apply. I’m pretty and petite, indeed the one you seek.
majenta:
Perhaps I’m cute, come closer to learn / think so and you’ll be glad if you have your turn / but as far as I know of how rhyming goes / mine dingle-berries could be toes.
AD: Blood Countess seeking her male counterpart. Preferably tall,
pale, thin and beautiful in an androgynous sense. For exploration in
the arts of blood-letting, dark romanism (sic?) sorcery thus nighttime
escapades.
majenta: Dyed-dark dizzy bitch seeks faggot. Wear black, but nothin’
too spooky, okay?
AD: Poop Chute! Auburn-haired WF, young and pretty, seeks dirty old
man to give it to me up the old poop chute! You should be stingy,
demonic, self-centered and crass.
majenta: Ummmm, we uh, we lost the number on this one or something.
AD: Have you ever dreamed about having your breast tied up? To let
someone else be in control. Breast bondage can be a real turn on.
majenta: Did you know ex-convicts could place ads while still on
parole?
AD: It’s Simple. It’s about having someone to laugh with, like when
you see something interesting and say, “Look.”
majenta: Romantic and innocent disposition; mind dulling
non-sequiturs.
AD: Ulysses Reincarnation. Greek belief, olive complexion, 38 years
old, 5'7", 141 lbs, hazel eyes, single. You are Penelope.
majenta: Unheard of cluelessness; outlandish ego. World’s first epic
hero possessing hemorrhoids!
AD: Shaven, tattooed, goateed, and jaded SBM with dog, motorcycle and
attitude seeks hippy-chick. I am: 5'6", 135 lbs, aspiring computer
animator. Wanna ride?
majenta: Unemployed and half-cocked with a squirrelly Napoleon
complex, minor drinking problem. Boss me around.
AD: Totally rad dude, 28, attractive, cosmopolitan, educated,
post-industrial information worker, nocturnal urbanite, sense of irony
important.
majenta: To determine callers’ sense of irony, a one question, yes or
no quiz: is there anything ironic about the phrase “Totally rad dude”
being used sincerely?
AD: The philosopher left to find a case for human connections.
Finger-painting, songs and poetry are waterslides to intimacy. Care
to spin on my saucer?
majenta: Man with a soggy diaper in search of his mother. Where are
you, Mommy?
|
