PERSONAL:
FISHY FEMALE LESBIAN I’ve got the bait and the fishing hole. Throw
out your line and see what you hook. Never hurts to take a look.
majenta:
Receive cunnilingus from a bundle of stink whose mastery of
asymmetrical rhyme could easily be compared to Christina Rosetti’s
early toddlerhood scratchbook writings and widely plagiarized
“Quadruple X” series.
PERSONAL:
FEMALE MUSIC PARTNERS Wanted for gratifying collaboration to include
indigenous and jazz styles.
majenta:
Twanging, thumping, frequently missed beats disguised as art. Thank
John Cage for this ever expanding gray area in music which calls
virtually anything legitimate and produces almost nothing which is
enjoyable.
PERSONAL:
I’VE SEEN THIS ROSE… on Thursday nights at Burt’s dancing a mad
panic frenzy almost all night; her thorns and pedals blooming awoke
the lion into unspoken, inspirational awe; she is a star.
majenta:
Hallucinating man seeks hallucinatory approximation. I’ll stay vague
about your physical details as long as you stay flexible about your
expectations regarding my “lionhood.”
PERSONAL:
SCOOTER ENTHUSIASTS! Seeking fellow motor scooterists to scoot around
Albuquerque area. Make, model, year unimportant for riders/scooters.
Let’s ride.
majenta:
Gosh and golly fellahs, a scooter club? — wouldn’t that be fuckin’
swell! (Blanket insurance no longer available).
PERSONAL:
RIO RANCHO FUN. Looking for bear who wants to work out in Rio Rancho.
Just trying to get into shape and lose some extra pounds! If this
sounds like fun, please respond!
majenta:
Mildly overweight individual who thinks the smell of cowshit is an
aphrodisiac, beckoning from Albuquerque’s own thrilling outskirts
suburb/farmland area with an eerie lack of picture postcards
representing it.
PERSONAL:
CRIMSON POGMASTER. SWM, 20s, redhead comic shop owner. You:
nymphomaniac, yeti-like stature and demeanor. Must love to play
Mystical Magical Mages (an Overpower game) and Naked Robber!
majenta:
Selective Ladies’ Man Sittin’ Pretty. Offers wargames, video games,
cable TV, endless trivia — will also lick orange Dorito residue off
your cunt during his lunch break.
PERSONAL:
ELECTRIC KOOL-AID… acid test. SJM, 29, rebel, ISO spiritual, sexual
outlaw, sister,
soulmate for LTR. Will finance now (You lend vehicle). Low budget
road trip to “Anywhere USA”
majenta:
Deadhead in a bet with his friends over who can end up on a divorce
show first. Expect some jail time along the way.
PERSONAL:
HOT GUY. GWM, 39, really ready, looking to orally service young guys
18-30. I love oral and mutual j/o. Inexperienced and straight guys
welcome.
majenta:
This self-indulgent, rabid humorist has suddenly hit the ultimate in
irony — having been assigned to ridicule his own ad. Please just
leave me alone, I’m so sad, so very very sad.
PERSONAL:
BAD GIRLS NEED DISCIPLINE. Well built WM, 36, into S&M, bondage,
seeks older women, 40-60. Please call if you need to be punished!
majenta:
This was one of Ashley’s.
PERSONAL:
I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN! Very attractive SWF, 29, 5' 8", 130 lbs,
seeks someone to hang out with and have fun. Fate will decide the
rest.
majenta:
Cindy Lauper just moved to Albuquerque — seeks as many free drinks as
she can handle while her skin is still intact.
PERSONAL:
HUNGRY TV. Seeks treats from W/H men. Facials, safe, very eager to
please. I visit ABQ regularly and will return all calls. Feed me.
majenta: The entire staff of majenta,
consisting of twelve*, could interpret no intention or meaning
behind this ad.
* a Dr. of English, a professional sexual
therapist; a pimp and two prostitutes; William S. Burrough’s
deformed hermaphrodite spawn; John Barth; a handwriting analyst
and her sister, an uncanny psychic; a sixteen dollar a day
crackhead, a five hundred dollar an hour model and myself.
PERSONAL:
EXPERIENCED WOMAN? Attractive male; thirtyish, virgin, seeks
attractive, experienced female, 25-40, to help discover what I’m
missing. Tired of waiting for Miss Right. No strings.
majenta:
Another one of mine.
PERSONAL:
ATLAS MIKE: Elvis has left the building and has got me all shook up.
Are you in the ghetto, jailhouse rock, viva Las Vegas or 3000 miles
from Graceland? Don’t be cruel, you can bring peace to my valley, you
hunk of burning love. Sing heartbreak hotel to me again and I’ll love
you tender or maybe tuff. You know where to find me. I am o’ so
buff.
majenta:
Poetic and lyrical genius. Aggression problems; dandruff.
PERSONAL:
READ ME! DWM, 48, slightly crazed bear, loves wit, quiet. Seeking
WF, near H/W proportionate, who feels attractive, prefers moonlight
walks to loud music. Light smoker, light drinker.
majenta:
Sounds like someone rich enough to afford a heavy fingered wandering
minstrel to take with him on walks. Smells like Coors Light.
PERSONAL:
EVERYTHING BUT Active SPM, 32, with good friends, hobbies and a
challenging career. Seeking reasonably sane, humorous women of
similar disposition for dinner, movies, hiking and… everything but
kicking frogs.
majenta:
Insane man speaking freely. Play a mean joke some night — give him a
call.
PERSONAL:
THE WARRIOR’S WAY. SHPM, 37 years young, 6', 200 lbs, seeks SF to
share all things under the sun! I walk the path of a dreamer. Are
you also a wounded warrior?
majenta:
College Judo Club yellow belt with a backyard sweat-lodge nobody’s
used in months.
PERSONAL:
STROKE, SUCK, SHOOT. Hand to mouth, I love the sensation of being
orally satisfied. Will you be my deep throat? Do you like dark meat?
majenta:
Romantic, naive. Stroked himself while composing this ad.
PERSONAL:
STRAIGHT MALE WANTED. Recently divorced BiWM, 47, looking for one
special friend. If your woman won’t do one thing, or let you do
another, I will.
majenta:
A little vague, this one — apparently if your woman friend won’t let
you watch sports, or if she won’t participate in a poker game this
guy’s got it covered provided you’re willing to lick his asshole clean
while he spanks into your favorite comforter. But then some
speculation has been applied here, admittedly. Ashley’s speculation.
PERSONAL:
THE WHOLE FIST. Pleasure and pain with the snap of a finger. Only
think you are open-minded. Well, you’ll be open now, for sure.
Petite females always a bonus.
majenta:
Well balanced man with a bold message to the world: “LOVE IS THE
SWEETEST THING.”
PERSONAL:
NUDE CLEANING. Big beautiful woman will clean your home nude or in
lingerie while you watch.
majenta:
You’ll be relieved to know that she doesn’t “do” windows.
PERSONAL:
WANTED: SUBMISSIVE FEMALE. Experienced, intelligent, dominate male,
seeks submissive female, to fulfill all desires and fantasies,
excellent conversationalist. All boundaries respected!
majenta:
Try this line of conversation for starters: “Has your basement always
been soundproof?”
PERSONAL:
ASTRONOMICAL LUNAR… eclipse! Me like to find chunker, bubbly,
enormo booty babe with derriere to spare. Is it all behind you? Can
you leave a room before your cheeky tush does?
majenta:
Upper-level Language Professor bored with his stuffy academic life;
looking for a WELL ROUNDED woman who’s not so caught up in things like
using real English words and composing sentences of structure and
meaning.
PERSONAL:
CUTE AND LOVABLE LESBIAN ISO her damsel in distress. ME: blonde
hair, blue eyes, 30ish. You: wanting someone real to go through life
with you. Call me, I’ll rescue you.
majenta:
“Rapunzel Rapunzel, let down your hair!” If you’ve already butched it
no worries — I’ll just scale the wall using my excessive body jewelry
for grips.
PERSONAL:
GOOD GRIEF Hey, Schroeder with Christmas balls seeks Lucy to lick
it. P.S. I know where the best ice cream is.
majenta:
I don’t know what this ad is about but Snoopy’s knapsack doesn’t look
like it’s packed for a temporary trip this time. If all you hear when
this guy talks to you is, “Wa wa wa, wa wa wa wa,” we at majenta do
NOT recommend your responding with the words, “Yeees siiir.”
PERSONAL:
MALE LOOKING TO PLEASE BiWM, 31, 6'1", 200 lbs, new to area and
looking for fun. Loves to give oral and receive anal. Open to
anything discreetly and safely; groups, 3-way, 4-way, whatever.
majenta:
Lego Man!
Santa Fe, NM
PERSONAL:
MARRIED BUT LOOKING Interested in bisexual males who are interested
in same. Age not important; cleanliness and good health an absolute.
majenta:
If he thinks you’ve got a nice ass, cleanliness and good health become
ABSOLUTELY optional.
PERSONAL:
LONELY IN SANTA FE SM, 48, enjoys reading, movies, dining out and
quiet times. Seeking friendly, outgoing female to share time with,
possible LTR.
majenta:
Southwestern deer waiting for a pair of headlights to get caught in.
New Mexican license plate preferred.
PERSONAL:
REDHEAD WANTED Honest, intelligent, sincere DWM, Pisces, seeks
slender, sensual redhead/strawberry-blonde, who loves white wine,
sunsets, adobe castles, country living, and critters.
majenta:
Ladies of New Mexico, begin dying your pubes!
PERSONAL:
CELIBACY FIRST Have you ever thought about how much easier a
relationship might be without the complications of physical intimacy?
Me too! Would you like to relax and share movies, walks, spirited
conversation and fun without the pressures of where is this leading to
and when? Would you like to meet an extremely bright, funny, very
attractive, independent girl/woman with solid integrity and a great
sense of self? Life is an amazing adventure. Are you willing to take
a step into the exploration of a new paradigm for relationship? Me
too!
majenta:
Anyone out there thinking a shorter version of this ad might’ve worked
just as well if not better? Me too!
PERSONAL:
DANCING IN THE SUPERMARKET…a must! I am quite silly for 45, I love
to laugh and fool around. Outdoors sort of guy with a sharp wit and
sense of humor. And you?
majenta:
Who me? What? What’s happening? Oh sorry — I was just having this
horrible dream about some dude embarrassing the fuck out of me by
dancing around in a supermarket. Thank God that’s over with.
PERSONAL:
WILD MAN? SF seeks SM who doesn’t need running water, electricity,
Internet, loves horseback riding, pow wow, values the civics of nature
and wild things!
majenta:
ME ME ME. Come fix my house up, train my horses, tolerate my flakey
friends and take me camping. Soon you’ll find out more than you ever
wanted to know about the civics of alimony.
PERSONAL:
LET’S GET CRAZY! Single male, new to the dating scene, seeks a
female companion. Let’s get together and see what trouble we can get
into!
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Avid viewer of the television show, “Friends.” Can the witticisms,
ladies — he’s got all the entertainment he needs.
PERSONAL:
OUT ON A LIMB…SHM, 46, enjoys jazz, spontaneity, bookstores,
stargazing, other eclectic interests. Seeking SF 44-50, for
coffee/tea, honest conversation, whatever comes next.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
I’m gonna go OUT ON A LIMB and say this guy doesn’t go in much for Ice
Cube; and that the jazz he likes starts at Dave Brubeck, declines
steadily from there, until one day you wake up on a road trip to
Sacramento listening to Kenny G without a goddamn chance in hell at
getting him to change it — dial his number and you’re fucked.
PERSONAL:
GOOD MASSAGE Trustworthy, reliable, retired gentleman, with an
excellent touch, seeks a trustworthy man who would enjoy receiving a
free, sensual massage at your place. Must get acquainted first.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Yeah, well — certainly not to be confused with the last ad, in any
case.
“Let me hear you say, a party over here fuck you over there”
PERSONAL:
OPPOSITES ATTRACT SWM, 26, 6'4", 150 lbs, black/hazel seeks SW/HF,
18-30 under 5'. Please be clean and open minded.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Let’s see — I’ve got a dictionary of antonyms around here somewhere
— the opposite of clean seems to be filthy; unhygienic; also diseased,
impure; unclean, obscene, pornographic; contemptible. So we’ve got a
closed minded skinny young sewer rat looking for a fat old hag that
douches regularly. Huh. Sounds pretty realistic I’d say. Best of
luck.
PERSONAL:
DADDY NEEDS YOU! Very dominant daddy, 53, seeks a young submissive
girl to discipline and use.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Ex-con. Simple matter of time.
PERSONAL:
LEGGY, GREEN EYED BEAUTY… SF, 30, seeks SM, 40+, for laughter,
dining out, possibly relationship. A psychic said your name was S_…
then again he also said, “I’ve trained elephants in a past life.”
Miss Lonely Hearts:
That’s more or less the story — for a while it was a little more like
they were training her — hey do you like drinking at all?
PERSONAL:
MARTIAL ART EXPERT… Not! Laid-back, outgoing, SWM, 31, Virgo, N/S,
ski nut with a sense of humor seeks woman 24-45, N/S of uncommon
quality.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Just out of curiosity is that joke about your not being a “martial art
expert” an example of this “sense of humor” you mentioned?
PERSONAL:
CASUAL Submissive HM, 22, seeks other males who would like to get
together, hang out, and be intimate. I prefer dominant white males.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Hey you know I’ve heard you can find that very thing in a social
environment more accessible than any government or private run
business in America — it’s called prison.
|
|
PERSONAL:
SUBVERSIVE BLISS ADDICT Actor, Draftsman, Writer, Computer Systems
Administrator, 34, N/S, Hiker, Yogi, Singer, Director, Cooking
hobbyist, Conversationalist, Omnivore and Utter utter sweetie: surely
we have something in common.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Avid viewer of the television show, “Home Improvement.” Also owns the
entire Tim Allen movie collection on DVD.
PERSONAL:
ROMANTIC AT HEART GF, 36, Virgo, single parent, loyal and loving by
nature, enjoys hiking, camping, movies, long talks. Seeking mature
GF, age/race unimportant, for LTR. Monogamy a must.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Girl from Ipanema in search of another gay woman — she’s
unfortunately gotten her ad placed under the “Women Seeking Men,”
section of the newspaper; she’s also more than likely barking up the
wrong tree by putting “Romantic At Heart,” at the top of an ad in a
newspaper full of things like “Stroke, Suck, Shoot,” “Willing to
Serve,” “Oral Artist,” “Attention Swingers,” “The Whole Fist,” “Sugar
Momma Wanted,” “Help!,” “Curious Watcher,” “Married But Looking,”
“Ladies’ Undulating Undies,” “Total Massage,” “Beach Babe,” and “Come
On Us!” no matter what gender of romantic it is she’s after.
PERSONAL:
A DIFFERENT FRIENDSHIP
Woman, I want to touch, caress, hold, pet and fondle you. I’m not
looking specifically for a sexual playmate, but I do want while
respecting your limits, intimate physical connection. If you like an
honest, respectful, sensitive, affectionate friend, who really enjoys
women, both their form and their spirit, then please call. I’m
bearded, fit, 6'2", 200 lbs.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Extremely desperate Grizzly Adams type hanging himself in advance with
a politically non-sexual noose.
PERSONAL:
BEND OVER
Attractive white male in search of submissive bottoms, who enjoy being
stripped and getting a big dick in different positions. Asians a
plus.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Some sort of Asian war vet, picked up a habit.
Bay Area, CA
PERSONAL:
FOR THREESOME
Attractive female, 25, 5'6", 120 lbs, with straight male, seeks
attractive, fit males, 20s-30s, disease-free, for group fun.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Interesting but I — let’s see 25. Attractive, wild — something’s
getting in the way of the little fantasy I’m trying to have about this
one, now what could it be. Oh I know — the thought of her
boyfriend’s dick!
PERSONAL:
VANILLA SKY?
Lovely, intelligent SBF, 36, 5'3", H/W proportionate, seeks
intelligent, down to earth, professional SWM 5'8"+, age 30-45 for
friendship, great conversation and (hopefully) LTR.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
European movie in search of fat, twisted American producers willing to
come and take a piss on me. Let’s make the La Femme Nikita/Point of
No Return thing happen all over again and if Tom Cruise wants a piece
of my action we can get a bit richer while we’re at it.
PERSONAL:
SLIPPERY RECTAL EXAM
Doctor massages your butt hole, jacking you off. Spanking, rimming,
sniffing? Shoot big time! Uncut cocks/hairy asses. 20-45/all sizes.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Ain’t it swell to be working out of California again?
PERSONAL:
DAVE BARRY IMPROVED
Crazy, yet traditional SWM, 36, cute, trim, enjoys space exploration,
collecting shirt buttons, alphabetizing medical terms. Seeking South
Bay sweetheart. Hurry, I am double parked.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
I’ll take no time for, but somehow had to include this utter puke.
PERSONAL:
A GREAT CATCH
Affluent, attractive, athletic SWM, 6', 180 lbs, 39 seeks smart and
sexy best friend/lover, 27-37 for marriage/family. N/S, please no
kids yet.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Amazing times — most guys use cars, dogs, muscles to compensate —
whereas all this guy needed to feel better about himself was an ad
with a big headline.
PERSONAL:
SEXY TRIPLE Ds… WANNA TASTE?
BF, 5'2", 145 lbs, 44 DDD, 29-38, beautiful chocolate skinned female,
seeks financially generous, sexy, older male, any race, for massage
and tasty pleasures. What’s your fantasy?
Miss Lonely Hearts:
If you’re a breast man, I’d say go for it except that often breasts
this large can’t actually be distinguished from one another; nor from
any part of the torso.
PERSONAL:
YOUNG ASPIRING WRITER
New in town, attractive, talented, 27, requires a tender love only a
sugar-mama can provide. In return I can stimulate your mind, heart,
and any other needs you may have.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Man advertising himself as a talented writer claims he can somehow
“stimulate your needs.” If you think you know what that means, you
might as well call.
PERSONAL:
FILM FRIENDS
Small film discussion group forming in East Bay. Friendly, relaxed,
informal, uncompetative. For the joy of sharing and friendships, not
grand standing. Age 21+.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Dedicated students of the John Hughes school of film-making open to
the viewpoints of other pussies.
PERSONAL:
LOOKING TO FALL IN LOVE
I am 5'5", 125 lbs with auburn hair turning 50. I love books, zazen,
swimming, cooking. Seeking a deep hearted man who knows something
about character, and a warm sense of humor.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Senior female hypnotist will improve your chances of a spontaneous
coma or unexpected death by gradual heart failure.
PERSONAL:
ADAM SEEKS EVE
Honest SWM, 27, N/S, global gentleman, seeks worldly woman for
discerning discourses, dining, dashes. Seeking honest SF, 26-34, for
friendship first, possible LTR.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Man seeks woman with whom to fuck everything up real good until
roughly the end of time. Hoping for a few good meals along with a few
decent blow-jobs along the way but hear my words — if you don’t
swallow, then for crissakes just fucking forget about the blow-jobs
okay, and take your child support checks right out my cold hand.
Three hundred dollars? What do you want a hundred fifty dollars for?
Now take your fifty dollars and go fuck somebody, I don’t care.
PERSONAL:
I’M HAPPY… ARE YOU?
Attractive SWM, mid-30s (looks mid 20s), N/S, athletic, enjoys
outdoors, running, working out, creative, artistic college graduate.
Seeking SF, 21-44, N/S for LTR.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Prozac, coffee and soon back to cigarettes seeks a daily downer.
PERSONAL:
OLDER, HIP, INTELLECTUAL
Artistically creative male, tall, trim, enjoys building models, dining
out, movies and “heaven on earth.” Seeking penetration of the mind
with nonageist, utopian female.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
The point in time at which building models becomes artistic has a name
— something which actually precedes “heaven on earth,” in much
religious text — the apocalypse. Penetrating this guy’s mind will
happen a lot more often and readily than whatever penetrating his
member proves prone to.
PERSONAL:
WARM NATURE LOVER
Male, 5'10", 185 lbs, blond/blue, flight attendant, licensed
acupuncturist, enjoys hiking, scuba, and windsurfing. Seeking warm,
friendly female.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Bisexual green thumb with a tan-line. Free airline travel to
dangerous wilderness outings; eclectic/bastardized acupuncture at a
good office discount.
PERSONAL:
FROM KAPSHAW TO REDGRAVE
To let you know I still remember dreams: rain dances, Rachmaninov,
muslim and the way you looked at me over that coffee we (never quite)
shared.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Gosh that’s funny, you know I don’t usually drink coffee. I guess
that must have been some other guy you never quite got around to
meeting, you double timing little starlet whore!
PERSONAL:
HOT TUB FUN
Attractive, happy couple (Asian female, Caucasian male) seek similar
couples, to hot tub together, for fun and friendship.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
“Honey, are you sure that’s just a bubble?”
PERSONAL:
MET YOU AT GLIDE CHURCH
Sunday 9am service. You were with your family. We embraced briefly
before leaving, but I never asked your name. Please get in touch.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Godless man in search of a naughty little Mary Magdelen in a Sunday
dress. Your mom was pretty hot, too.
PERSONAL:
BRAIN WASH, BRUNETTE, BIKE
Jan 4th, afternoon. You were walking bike past Brain Wash, green
Diesel bag. I was sipping coffee, looked up. We smiled. You turned
down Langton.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
…and after that you took a right on 4th down to what I thought at
first must be your house, only you came right back out with some guy’s
laundry, gave him a kiss, left your bike and drove off in a car.
After that you went to another place which I thought must have been
your place for sure because your shadow off the light of the
television seemed to be changing shirts or something and I stayed
around another couple hours or so and never saw you leave.
PERSONAL:
SICK OF GAMES AND 1-NIGHTERS
SWF, 35, looks 25, sexy — not thin, pagan, smoker, LD, into cats,
cars, 80’s rock, fun, affection, ISO skinny white boy, 25-40, NDU,
long hair a+. LTR?
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Lucky-to-have-a-one-nighter-with-Pauly-Shore seeks a monogamous,
single version of Kid Rock. This might be a good time for me to point
out that the way people get the nerve to place these ads is in feeling
as if hardly anyone pays attention to them.
PERSONAL:
NOUN SEEKS VERB Professional nerd, 50ish, N/S, seeks nerdette
partner, with sense of humor, for skiing, travel, scuba, horse rides,
and more.
majenta:
The noun is “twit” — the verb he’s looking for is “buggering.”
PERSONAL:
A GENTLE MAN SWM, 60ish, 6'2", silver/brown, a sensitive, caring
gentleman is seeking same:open-minded SWF, who would enjoy my
companionship, enjoy movies, walks, dining, evenings at home,
cuddling. Smokers okay.
majenta:
The first thing that starts annoying you about this man might very
well turn out to be the number of times he asks if you’re “feeling
okay” in the course of a day.
PERSONAL:
TEASPOONS AND WAVES Playful, creative, witty female, 23, Leo,
non-smoker, enjoys writing and dancing. Seeking woman, 20-47, for
friendship and relationship.
majenta:
Unintentionally surreal lesbian just young enough that it might be a
phase. Keep an eye on your male friends if any, and avoid the subject
of your history with men altogether until she’s at least 25 — if she
still seems to enjoy going down on you by then you might’ve found
yourself a gem — one of the small percentage of modern gay women
that’s actually doing it ’cause she likes it.
PERSONAL:
LOOKING FOR FUN TIMES SHM, 39, seeks WM, 50, with very nice bottom,
to have fun with. Give me a try!
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Devil-may-care gay man in a ’73 Chevy looking for George Michael style
fun in the back seat. What you’ll be looking for if you’re smart is
an expertly camouflaged batch of highly contagious sores.
PERSONAL:
YOU DESERVE IT! Attractive single white male, 39, very oral, seeks
sensual, delicious woman, 25+. You know you deserve to be worshiped,
pampered and adored by your very own attentive and adoring “pet”.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Chihuahua of love yipping at your thighs for attention — “Yip yip!”
Miss Lonely Hearts suggests you find a real lap dog; such as one that
doesn’t need an ad in the paper to find a nearly unspecified woman
that’ll take him home.
PERSONAL:
BEACH BABE
Busty, tan, world travelin’ beach babe with own water toys. Turn-ons:
offshore and Grand Prix racing. Seeking 35-50 year old male, who
enjoys travel, sun and fun.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Pamela Anderson + forty pounds + several misplaced hydro-dental tools
= an easy mistake to make.
PERSONAL:
WOMYN’S SPORTS FANATICS
WNBA, WTA, Lady Vols, softball, volleyball. Seeking sports dykes to
share in the excitement of fun competition.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Eight foot Amazon with spiked shoes and wild, swinging elbows looking
for an easy way of brushing up against other women or taking
aggression out on less feminine athletes.
PERSONAL:
INCURABLE ROMANTIC
GF, 43, soft butch, into nature, long talks, moonlit walks. Looking
for attractive, aware woman, able to laugh at the absurdities of life.
Smoker, light drinker ok.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Try laughing at this absurdity: an incurable lesbian that calls
herself both butch and romantic, yet doesn’t at all mind methodically
excreting approach and courtship from her romantic experiences.
PERSONAL:
JUST ANOTHER SOUL Seeking someone for intelligent conversations about
everything and anything. I’m into music, art, metaphysical studies
and working on my soul purpose in life. You: well that’s up to you to
fill in.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
A dizzying phonetic pun which loops back to itself sleepily, delivered
with floppiness disguised as open mindedness points to a smug, dense
individual who may never understand that he’s not all that fun to talk
to after a short time.
PERSONAL:
EXISTENTIALIST VIXEN
Me: SWF, 24, 5'9", 145 lbs., black/blue, into art, punk rawk,
absurdity, honesty, laughter, literature. you: confident,
intelligent, funny, hip, mature, uninhibited, funky, emotionally
available.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Sarte’s daughter minus 20 IQ points with a double standard regarding
farts in bed.
PERSONAL:
SWEET GUY Sweet SWM, 19, seeks SF, 18-24, to get to know. Let’s make
friends!
Miss Lonely Hearts:
My God — I think I’ve finally lost it. I should be able to nail this
ad with two short words, but for some reason I’m not — could it be
I’ve finally used the last of my venom? Could it be my bite is gone
— the edge to my razor permanently dulled? Oh, wait, here we are —
SNIVELING DOORMAT with a fake ID he’s still memorizing open to an
elaboration on his collegiate experience to date — almost constant
grief.
PERSONAL:
TRANSVESTITE LESBIAN I’m a very sexy, gorgeous tv, very passable,
seeks an open-minded, attractive woman, 21-41, who enjoys exotic dance
wear, hose, heels, and lingerie to have intimate encounters or
relationship with.
Miss Lonely Hearts:
Offering sexual favors to any woman that can say the words
“transvestite lesbian” several times in a row without losing grasp of
what it or anything else means.
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