The Flip Side
Note: This is a very important part of Majenta’s personals — the
interpretational side if you’d like. Here we take actual personal ads
from actual (opposite of virtual) periodicals and lend our own wisdom
to enhance the clarity of the message, therefore increasing, in our
opinion, the chances of a successful match.
First we present the ad as printed, then comes our take, which
again is meant only to ensure a broader understanding between the
people that use this time honored method of courtship.
Happy hunting!
AD: Wrapped in silk. So cool, I’ll make you laugh. This present
is for life, so open with care and abandon all reserve.
majenta: Ex-stripper. Bring money and blow.
AD: Bitchin’ tomboy monkey-chick needs Alpha Male. Don’t be
chicken. I’m happening! Gearheads, artists, hunky professionals,
twisted movies and bands, yep. Hippies, drugs, flab, cooties, nope.
majenta: Virtues: few. Expectations: endless. I like fresh
air, exercise, and talking my way out of sex.
AD: Sexy Cher type, Jewish, 48, seeks financially secure, tall,
50-65, no vices, dog lover. Enjoys garage sales, movies, dinner, plays,
down to earth person.
majenta: Homely Streisand type. Whiny on average, shrieking
through the Winter holidays. Hide your drinking and never raise your
voice at my dog no matter how many times he tries to fuck you in the ear
while you’re napping.
AD: I’m An Exotic, Good-looking, French/Indian, goofy, boyish
kind of girl. Desperate for tenderness, laughs. Please no anal sex; it
hurts.
majenta: Butt-fuck Shy, needs coaxing. Give it a week or so.
AD: Bend Over Bad Boy: You’re big, strong, very straight but
tired of it. My tongue, nails, and 8" strap-on dildo are waiting to
torture you.
majenta: Petite, unintrusive, sweetheart of a girl just looking
for Joe Sensitive; bring something to gnaw on.
AD: Cola for Breakfast? Can’t drive a stick? Sausage patties?
Hello,
dreamgirl!
majenta: Goofy in search of anyone. Guaranteed flab.
AD: The number of grains of sand in a teaspoon. Winner gets to
go out with me during the holidays and beyond.
majenta: The number of brain-cells that can be wasted maintaining
a guru image has left me wanting. I might possibly be able to offer the
New-agey Sutra-sex experience of your dreams, but save your
conversational subtleties for my credit card bill collectors.
AD: Expect the exceptional. Handsome Christian bachelor, chaste,
fit,
flamboyant, white, 35, desires one very thin, straight-bodied Christian
woman, with impeccable morals, sensible personality.
majenta: Loathsome, nasal, arrogant family man looking for an
anemic blow-up doll that’ll serve me the way I serve God — by fear of
an
imaginary wrath.
AD: SHORT AND HAIRY…muscular and vibrant Armenian. Looks like
a pint-sized Travolta. High energy, quick wit. Adventurous shrink type
into performance art and domesticated animals. ISO Caucasian, Armenian,
or Asian honeys, 28-35, with energy, warmth, and brains. Do you dare?
majenta: majenta adds nothing.
AD: Wet Women Taste Great — Are you a sports widow? Is he more
interested in sports than your sexual needs? Then call me. I have a
tongue that needs regular work-outs.
majenta: I lost a high school sweetheart to a jock, and still
can’t help steaming about it. Please come and fulfill a petty vengeance
scenario for a couple of flaky weeks. I have mastered a dense,
vanity-driven, cerebral form of cunnilingus.
AD: Frustrated/Stressed? I get you hard. You get behind and get rid
of problems. HM, 42, can take it hard.
majenta: Caring, subtle, experienced homosexual male. Wear THREE
condoms.
AD: WELL-Endowed. You lay there while I drain you orally/anally. I
haven’t met my match. I’ll put you to sleep.
majenta: He hasn’t met the writer of the last personal.
AD: 2 Hole Action ISO a man to put me to sleep. HM, 41, ISO a man to
wear me out. Multiple okay.
majenta: These people really should start reading each other’s ads.
AD: Good with your fists? Hairy, muscled skinhead, 5'8", 150, into NHB
wrestling, gloved boxing, barenux fighting, leather/military scenes,
CBT, mutual work-overs. Winner takes all.
majenta: Nazi rapist that doesn’t mind a rough shag on an off day, flirting with
an ambush of highly trained Jewish homosexuals on steroids and viagra.
Check and see if my ad doesn’t look a little more timid next week.
|
AD: Her Smooth, naked, brown-skinned body trembles from the rough
male kisses from her lover’s pillowy lips. Her throaty moans progress
to ecstatic screams as his mouth deliciously devours her.
majenta: I’m passionate, uninhibited. I like long walks, and
misplaced adverbs over coffee.
AD: Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then another
thousand, then a second hundred…Lesbia, my dove-girl, let us fly old
time flies.
majenta: Man with a bizarre misunderstanding about numeric
progression — hobbies include the vague study of mythology and
imaginary trips on gigantic flies — from one pile of shit to the next.
AD: This is Rebecca. I’m looking for someone who’s funny and
likes the outdoors. I’m not into playing games and the man for me would
be way beyond that as well. If you think this man could be you, why
don’t you get back to me?
majenta: No, I’m not into playing games it’s just that when it’s
over it’s over — thinking back, you know I don’t really seem to care a
bit when I break up with a guy. What? Oh not you, silly, you know
that! I love you! Well you’re a suspicious one aren’t you? You know
I’ve heard that when someone is suspicious it means they’ve got something
to hide. Well?… God, I hate it when you leave the tag on these three
dollar bottles of wine. We can afford better, you know.
AD: If I were granted one wish, it would be to have someone in my
life. SBF, 51, 5'3", 130 lbs, seeks BM, 45-55.
majenta: Star light, star bright, should a finger hit my ad as a
random pick tonight, I wish he may, I wish he might, not stop to think
of whom, could such an ad as this one, write.
AD: Sex is easy. How about electric conversations, philosophical
debates, warmth, sharing, exploring, hiking, dancing, reading, writing,
playing, joking, living, growing, appreciating, 30s, listening.
majenta: Inconsistently mediocre in bed; great at remembering
directions.
AD: SBF ISO gentleman with sense of humor, kindness and preferably
a musician. I enjoy good books, good music, and a sunset by the dunes.
majenta: Emotionally masochistic woman looking for my own little
Hootie — preferably a reader of John Grisham who doesn’t mind a sandy
scrotum and a bit of shaft chafing.
AD: Woman of Color sought by PWM, 40, fit, 6', 170 lb.
Intelligence, sense of humor, let’s have dinner.
majenta: Flaming racist with a Jefferson fascination seeks
live-in slave-girl. Taste the only part of the American dream open to a black woman: marry a rich white man.
AD: The Lights go out, the theater is nearly empty. She sits next
to him, touches his hand. They seduce each other quietly, in total
anonymity, oblivious to the screen, movie, day and time.
majenta: I am possibly the most unimaginative person in existence.
I’m caught in a PG-rated fantasy world, living a two-thumbs-down kind of
life.
AD: (Female seeking female). Our Mom is great! What about a
date? She is smart and funny and we want her to have a honey.
majenta: Failed family prostitution endeavor just trying to get
our prune of a lesbian mother out of the house. First reasonably humane
offer will be taken.
AD: Good looking Ivy League gentleman seeks shapely, curvaceous,
cerebral companion, 45-60, for friendship, fun and romance.
majenta: Ungodly narcissism under a fluorescent dorm-room lamp,
spitting obsolete literary references and sneering grammatical
corrections based on the cutting edge academic standards of yesteryear.
AD: Attractive couple, 20s, seeks first time S/BiF for fun. She:
black and hot. He: white and strong. Serious cuties only.
majenta: Adams Family meets Hustler magazine. Our genital wart
cycles are SYNCHRONIZED!
AD: Lawyer, writer, singer, 40s, who in right circumstance can love to
infinity. Uncompromising about the real thing. Artistic, intellectual,
and most of all, spiritual.
majenta: Post mid-life jack of none. Take a guess what a lawyer’s spiritual
world consists of Ð think toasty.
AD: Love Potion #9. Your heart stops, when you touched me. Uninhibited
sensuous thoughts race through your mind. Imagine your heart pounding
with anticipation. I’m 6'1", handsome 39, successful professional male.
You are under 35, beautiful, cool, and classy with compassion.
majenta: Your heart stops, when you touch me, then starts back up to pound with anticipation. So I guess I must be some kind of doctor or something.
Jesus Christ.
AD: Clean, respectable Southern gentleman seeks old-fashioned decent
god-fearing woman with good family values for LTR. No need to dwell on
the past, let’s build a future.
majenta: Lonely traditionalist getting older and needs a maid for
household chores and oral sex. No need to rehash what daddy did to all
of us on the farm. Like all problems, it will go away if we don’t talk
about it.
|
Employment Ads
AD: Computer Users Needed. Work own hours. 20K-75k/year.
majenta: Thirty dollar pyramid scheme with shadier guidelines
than the drug market. Free email address; postal sodomy.
AD: SHORT TERM THERAPY. We don’t explore the depths of your
psyche, we help you take actions that improve your relationships and
your life. ______ of Social Therapy. Sliding Scale.
majenta: “Slap that noggin in despair up on the counter and hand
me a Pragmatism Wrench.” Well educated yet ineffectual sadists — dated
anti-depressants. Watch our “sliding” payment scale slide right the
fuck up your ass.
AD: Casting Call — Open Auditions — “Fun and Socially Gracious”
— stop by or call.
majenta: Extra work in pornography or starring roles in snuff
flicks. Decent catering.
AD: SCREEN WRITING GURU, conducting exclusive seminar on the
art/craft and secrets of screen writing. Comprehensive/Intensive 6-week
course, involving every logical aspect of film writing, from getting
started to getting produced. Informative and fun classes soon. Call
now!
majenta: Step 1: Find a scam to pull on writers even more
gullible and mystified than yourselves. Step 2: Token attempt at an
unimaginative screenplay. Step 3: Return to Step 1, with a bitter
vengeance.
AD: Marketing — GEN-X — Fun and Freedom! — Ski/Snowboard
promos! — Excellent comp. package! — Prereq: KILLER ATTITUDE!!
majenta: Corporate soul-grinder which allows exotic piercings.
Leave your imagination at home and bring a pair of jaws that won’t quit
sucking.
AD: Assistant. Adult Theater — retail, cleaning live shows, all
shifts. 9$/hr, ins. Apply in person.
majenta: Insurance covers all the usual dangers in dodging
multi-directional spooge. Supply your own protective eye-wear.
AD: Church Jobs. Low pay, great opportunity. Please call.
majenta: Enjoy carefully chosen quotes from the Bible which all
seem to have a common message: “Get back to work, you.”
AD: Make it big in Hollywood! If you are energetic, enjoy
customer service, and are flexible and dependable, then answer our
casting call in the greater SF Bay Area. If you qualify, we offer the
following opportunities in our entertaining industry: Directors,
Assistant Directors, Customer Service Reps. Hollywood Video.
majenta: Come to Hollywood Video and play along with our dense
casting call pun until we’ve all been sick down the video drop box.
AD: Volunteer, for Buddhist Publisher, offering internship
program. Bookbinding, work/study opportunities also available.
majenta: Nothing will teach you that life is suffering faster
than putting you to work and then offering philosophical advice in lieu
of a paycheck.
AD: Local candy route. 30 vending machines. Earn approximately
$800/day. All for $9,995. Call 800-888-VEND.
majenta: Franchise available. Colombian family business.
AD: Driver $400-$700/week: BayArea, your car or truck. One Hour
Delivery.
majenta: High-paying experiment testing a cause and effect
theory, traffic to ulcers.
AD: As seen on TV! Secure your future and a big weekly paycheck.
Environmental marketing business. Complete training, incredible
support. Fully financed opportunity.
majenta: Join our back-stabbing and/or incestuous team of mousy,
over-enthusiastic women, and hot-air confidence driven men with
unsettling tans, “fun-sized” packages below.
AD: Receptionist And More. Full-time, $8.50 starting.
Professional phone manner, 10-key a plus! Experience helpful. FAX
resume.
majenta: Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. It’s more than
a hectic receptionist position, it’s a hectic receptionist position and
more.
AD: Conduct telephone surveys about new films. Be self-motivated
and outgoing. Headset recommended. Some weekends.
majenta: Week 1: nervousness, slight boredom (from redundant
questioning). Week 2: less nervousness; excessive boredom. Week 3:
numbness, exasperation. Weeks 4-12: gradual paralysis or devolution;
eventual brain-death.
AD: Vendors — “Cigarette Girls” needed to work San Francisco
night clubs and major concerts. Friendly and outgoing personalities a
plus. Call Peachy’s Puffs.
majenta: Sell various items off of a tray, such as candy bars and
cigarettes. Expect bickering at the fact that no-one is allowed to
actually smoke the cigarettes at the event. Also expect a certain
amount of pinching at your labia from behind.
|
