Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:

Today my shit went sour. I got screwed out of a few hours pay that I’d worked because my boss is such a cunt. She’s just like that, what can I say? What can I do? I’ve got lots of time to look for a new job but I so hate the interview process.

Still, this lady is awful. There’s really not much to say. I really don’t have a choice, and I’m not sure what I’m actually asking. Nothing I guess.

Sorry.

-Disgruntled

* * * * *

Disgruntled,

Yeah, well it does seem you’ve got it pretty well worked out.

Congratulations!

-Miss Lonelyhearts

Dear Ann Landers,

I need some legal advice.

I, as a new resident of Arizona, have been summoned for JURY DUTY. And no, being a lawyer (or law student) doesn’t get you out of it. Am I FUCKED? Or what?

* * * * *

Mr Pond:

I’ve received now three emails with the same information, but signed by two different people. I do have a suggestion, in place of this Landers; stop.

Stop impersonating a law student; stop pretending people of your ethnicity have EVER been legally eligible for jury duty; and above all, stop with your redundant and futile attempts at involving me in this so called magazine.

The amount of time it must’ve taken you to find my ex-lovers, none of whom I’ve heard or known a thing about for almost a decade, in order just to make ridiculous so-called attempts at 1) Re-uniting me with those I want nothing to do with. 2) Seducing those I still wonder about, and/or wish to see again (we’re down to about 0.3 of those, as of the first of this year). 3) Killing those I feel ambivalent towards (supposedly because it would make me feel angry at THEM again).

I do not and will not accept your offer, or any offers regarding the purchase of the phone numbers of these ex-girlfriends. These offers are sheer (reluctantly I coin a new word on your behalf) emotional and financial GOUGERY.

Goodbye, Mr. Pond,

Bastard

P.S. You’ll notice that albeit following a mind numbing and time consuming telephone experience with my new server, -------, I’ve managed to send a letter without allowing my new email address to appear.

Immediately they told me it would be impossible, but after I described the situation they were very helpful indeed.

Thank you, from myself and -------, for making all of that necessary.

Miss Lonelyhearts:

I am Samuel Frederick Williams, and I represent Nathanial West and his agent.

You are infringing on the rights of a story published decades ago; a story by the very same name you’ve taken in this column.

I shall soon inform you on what actions shall be taken by those of us interested in protecting the real creators in this world, from computer literate parasites and other literary jackers.

Your attempt at twisting my arm at the returned Christ impersonation party was a joke? And then the comment about The Scarlet Letter, I’m to assume you know the difference between Nathanial Hawthorne and West; am I?

It’s of little importance. I found you to be vague and witless.

I understand the column is moving slowly. You should be grateful.

Sincerely,
Williams and Associates
Samuel F. Williams

* * * * *

Mr. Williams:

Of all the low down…why you…how can you…wait a minute.

It’s such a romantic identity though, isn’t it? Miss Lonelyhearts.

I assure you, I’ve never read the book, nor had I looked at the title of the copy I received apparently sometime in my late teens, which my father inscribed to me, confiscated, upon hearing of this column, and sent to you in an attempt to tame what must’ve been some furious wave of jealousy in him, at my well deserved title.

And who can blame him? Having read the book, he could never legally claim to be Miss Lonelyhearts; I on the other hand, will gladly take a lie detector test which will show I had no previous knowledge of the title.

Perhaps it makes people of your generation uncomfortable to see us building upon a concept you thought at one time was perfect.

Look inside yourself, Mr. Williams. That is the advice I have. A lot of angry projecting is not going to tie up the loose ends you and your drugged out peers have left for some future generation to correct.

–Miss Lonelyhearts