You’re the only person I know who has to sit on a box of gerbil feed twice daily.

If Monica does produce the dress, she should be prosecuted for not going to the cleaners. You nasty chunklin you! “Hey Monica what’s that in your hair?”, “Oh, that’s the President’s cum, I just haven’t washed in the last 7 months.”

If during the course of your day the stress and pressure seem to be more than you can handle, remember these two simple words: Jack Daniel’s.

Send Rush Limbaugh some of Richard Simmons “Deal-a-Meal” cards. I’m not exactly sure what that means but I’m pretty positive that it would get his goat. After all, why should liberal fags who undermine the principles upon which this country was founded be the only skinny people.

Ever see a good looking priest and wonder what it would take to help with communion?

Try to keep your cholesterol down! Don’t eat Crisco straight from the canister.

Marilyn Manson is not the Antichrist, there’s a guy in Twist, Arkansas whose name is Ed. Watch for him.

Real men don’t cry. So don’t cry! Whine and mist up a little bit, but never cry. Oh, sure! It might look like crying… maybe my nose was just sweaty. Did you ever think of that?!

I’ve heard people say that the best things in life are free. Well, maybe hookers don’t charge where you’re from Mr. I-Live-In-A-Perfect-World.

I would find Ally McBeal funny if I had never graduated from college, read a book, practiced free thought, and actually spoken to a woman.

Ever wonder if the Pope is a good kisser?

I wouldn’t be so critical of Sally Jesse Raphael if she didn’t look like such a lousy lay.

Never eat out anyone’s ass after the liberal application of Hemmorhoid cream.

You can’t get Herpes without HER(pes).

If liver tasted like chocolate more kids would eat it. I bet mine tastes like Jack Daniel’s.

I have yet to see one supermodel faster than a speeding bullet as opposed to denser than a locomotive.

Get your head out of your ass. Think collectively here.

Please god, more piercings. I have magnets to go around. It’s like pin the tail on the phreaker.

If you really believe that you hear Satan telling you to kill yourself when you listen to rock music. DO IT! But leave a note saying that Christians made you do it! This will score points with the man downstairs.

Me Tarzan. You, you, whoever the fuck you are. Tarzan not get out that much.

Today you might want to try hanging out with some fundamentalist born-again Christians. Give it a shot, you might be surprised. I’ve found these people to be some of the most open minded, liberal people I’ve ever known. I mean, why not? What are you, some kind of Bible toting bigot?

HEY, HEY YOU, YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU! NO DIGGITY, WORD TO YOUR MOTHER, PEACE OUT, HOME SKILLET.

When I say I love you, you say you better.

Irma Bombeck wasn’t cynical until I came on her belly.

During your day do you feel like you’re running in place? Are you tired of the same old routine? Try livening up your day with a little impulse vomiting. If that doesn’t cause a little bit of a stir, get some new friends.

Chivalry is not dead. Just very, very sleepy.

When sodomizing sheep try to get the most bang for your buck. Push that little sucker up to a cliff. As soon as the little sweater in the making sees over the cliff, she’ll push back. Practice hard enough and you might even establish a pretty good rhythm. But hey, be safe! Wear a condom. After all, how in the hell would you know where that sheep’s been!?

Fuzzy duck, ducky fuzz, ducky fuzz, does he? fuzzy duck. Wow! I can’t believe I made it through that without saying the word cunt.

Oh Lord Jesus God, my friend, please save me from your followers. This goes double for Alah. Got me, you monkey!

What sort of hook dicked freak started the phrase: “Come full circle”?

Porn stars have such a tough job. “No, no, that’s three ‘Yeah babies,’ and one ‘Fuck me hard.’” Can you imagine trying to memorize that dialogue, how much room for improvisation can there be?

So now that Japanese markets are being forced to open we can start selling excuses. It seems to be all Americans are best at making anymore.

Don’t masturbate because of peer pressure. Do it because it feels good.

At one time I watched Melrose place and felt the compuslsion to take my own life. If I had I would’ve died happily without ever seeing Dawson’s Creek.

Shall I compare thee to a summers day? Shit no.

When life’s problems become too much and it feels as if your worries outweigh your hopes and are becoming more than you can bear remember these two simple words: Jack Daniel’s.

I have never known anyone from Arkansas that fucked their sister. They made love to them.

Tornados, nature’s wet-dry vac for rednecks.

Now I’m not saying Clinton is having too much sex. All I’m saying is that I personally got a lot more during the Reagan administration.

Never bitch at the folks at 7/11, those boys got the bomb now.

Jack Daniel’s and stomach acid. Two great tastes that go great together.

If you build it they will come. If you rub it vigorously and squeeze it towards the tip so will I.

Life imitates art, shitty art.

Sure it’s hard to surf the net and masturbate at the same time, so use your feet. Duh!

I personally don’t care where, when or how, wolves are released into the wild. I am, however, gonna take hostages if one Swede moves into my neighborhood.

When using the word “motherfucker” try to use it in the nicest way possible. Let’s illustrate, “Hey, it’s good to see you, motherfucker.” “What a lovely pair of dungarees, motherfucker.” “Not only do I find you physically attractive, I have come to respect your intellect and keen wit, motherfucker.”

Dick Mints, for the gay man who wants to smell like he’s getting some.

This piece of advice goes out to all you “Trekkies” out there: IT’S FUCKING FICTION — THE WHOLE THING IS MADE UP! YOU ARE NOT FROM ANOTHER PLANET. ALL THAT SHIT IS NOT REAL. QUIT WRITING FAN LETTERS TO SPOCK, HE’S NOT REALLY A VULCAN. HE’S AN ACTOR NAMED NIMOY WHOSE FIRST NAME IS PRONOUNCEABLE BY HUMANS. MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOTHER’S BASEMENT AND GET A JOB!

Upon meeting Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen I was not surprised to find a tattoo reading “333” on each of their scalps respectively.

Try to remember this simple truth when going through life: Nobody likes a weasel, go shave your ass.

My men’s group never lets me beat the drum.

I have to get this off of my chest right now. That immensely bloated, puffy cheeked, sweaty, tremendous, unnatural sack of shit named Elvis is DEAD. DEAD, I TELL YOU, DEAD!

When in public if you should ever happen to see someone drop to the ground and begin convulsing, bleeding from the ears, with flecks of saliva flying in every direction, before you decide to play the hero remember this: they could be faking.

If you can’t say anything nice, write it down and give it to Ashley.

If you don’t want your kids to read Sexus, Nexus and Plexus (or Tommy has Two Dads, The Satanic Verses and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women) Don’t picket libraries, don’t bug the authors or the PTA, and don’t burn the offending texts. There is a much simpler and foolproof way. Just don’t teach your kids to read!

Age before Beauty. Death before Dishonor. I before E, except after C.

If — for whatever reason — you should find it necessary to french kiss the Pope, take heed of this: sure he may be a sophisticated looker and say that he loves us and all that stuff (except for those blackhearted, sinful and downright unpleasant homosexuals), but do not try it when he visits Mile High Stadium. The security there was incredible. All I could manage was getting a little saliva on the windows of his bullet proof car.

Japanese patent officers would be alot cuter if they all looked like Mulan.

Save the dolphins! Fuck the tuna fish. After all, dolphins are cuter and tuna tastes better.

When someone screams, “Stop, please! Oh, God, it hurts! Why are you doing this to me? God, end this! Please, oh, Christ, please!!” they usually mean it.

It’s a terrible thing to assume that all men with British accents are gay. Most are, not all.

Threatening to kill the President can get you in almost as much trouble as killing the President.

Ah, Worf our friend, our buddy, truer words have never been spoken. This leads one to ponder 1) what the fuck are you talking about, Neil, and 2) see A

A: watch more Voyager and worship 7of 9’s tits.

White wine for fish and poultry. Red wine for beef. Night Train for shit you pull out of the dumpster.

Nothing will help self-esteem more than these 5 words “Next week on Jerry Springer.”

Don’t let your newborn children play with full grown pythons without adult supervision.

The sea hates a coward.
-Eugene O’Neil
I don’t like tomatoes.
-Neil

Pocahontas never ate government cheese.

Castro rhymes with Astro - RYE RUV RU RIDEL.

Al Gore is marrying off his daughters. As their biological father I object to not being asked if I approve.

Play Magic the Gathering around me and I will slap your acne ridden, virgin, living at home, masturbate to porn on the internet ass!

Addendum: Internet porn is a good thing, don’t get me wrong.

Pudendum: Sure I know a little Latin. Or maybe you thought learning and crudeness were mutually exclusive, you New World Monkey!

If you have ever read majenta all the way through without looking up any of the “big” words you are most definitely not a redneck.

If you take my advice too seriously about stress and day to day problems, remember these two simple letters: AA.

See Dick. See Jane. See Spot. Go Dick, go. Go Jane, go. Do whatever the hell you want, Spot. Stupid freakin’ mutt. Always gettin’ us into trouble.