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Gemini
You are hilarious this month. Just like the hit movie about the twins with Danny DeVito and Arnold Swartzenegger. Oh, shit! Did I say funny? Goddamnit, just the opposite. I’m so sorry. Your best bet is to just realize what a complete waste you are. Go shoot yourself right in front of a hospital so they can at least harvest your organs.
Virgo
People aren’t laughing with you, they’re laughing at you. Directly at you. How could you misread that? What are you? Stupid?
Libra
Get over yourself. What? Do you think that every horoscope has to have something about you in it. Christ, what an ego!
Cancer
You will write a first rate advice column for a second rate online magazine and lead a pretty average life until Hillary Clinton admits Chelsea was your love child.
Aries
No matter what modern fashion dictates, “a little extra weight” does look good on some people. You, on the other hand, are are the exception.
Pisces
Ignore what people tell you and stare directly into the sun. These people are just trying to hold you back. Get out there and live.
Scorpio
Make sure your life insurance is up to date — your dependants will than you — that way they’ll be able to pay off the hitman.
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Sagittarius
First off, what the Hell is a Sagittarius. Um… let’s see. Avoid travel. Yeah, that’s it. Screw it, I can’t pretend. Nobody knows who you are — log off of majenta right now and bug out, freako.
Taurus
By far the stupidest of the twelve signs. You’re lucky if you can even read this. I dated a girl who was a Taurus, which is ironic because she was a bit of a cow. Now you might think that cruel but it’s that or I tell you about my theory of her pact with the Devil to crush men’s spirits and ruin their concepts of life and love. And be wary of relationships this months, you just might meet a bitch from Hell. I wish somebody would have told me that in my horoscope.
Aquarius
Wait 1/2 hour after eating to go swimming and do not engage in any horseplay around the pool.
Capricorn
Definitely, without a doubt, you are the most ignorant of all the signs. Can’t you see the smirk on the face of the person reading this to you. They know the truth when it slaps them in the face with a big ol’ cosmic wiener.
Leo
The movie “The Lion King” and the phrase king of the jungle in no way, shape or form relate to you. Also if you go out on Friday night you will be shot to death in a convenience store (note: this only goes out to one Leo in particular — God we hope you read this magazine in time).
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