Are you sober? Sobriety may seem outwardly appealing but think of what is cost you; what it is costing you. Here are the seven most destructive myths that are used to warp the minds of happy drinkers in this country. Learn to recognize them and you will be free of the lies.

1. Sober people are happier –or– Being sober makes you happy.

   This is terribly untrue. Sober people work harder, have less self-esteem and are rarely as happy as you could be after a bottle of Cuervo. Sober people also feel more remorse, more guilt and although it isn’t proven yet, they are theorized to be more susceptible to venereal disease.

2. Sober people have better relationships.

   This is the worst kind of lie. Sober people are getting divorces every day.

3. Sobriety is only effective when it’s permanent.

   The truth is if you are sober in the morning you are sober. And the only benefit of sobriety you really need to reap is getting to work on time.

4. Sober people are loved more.

   False. I can tell you from personal experience that now that I have a drinking “problem” I get more attention than I ever did when I was sober. Addicts always get more love, especially from the people closest to them; the nineties is the first decade where you must be treated with respect as an addict because it isn’t PC to do what comes naturally: call you a drunk and throw your ass out on the concrete. Also: sober people spend most of their time alone and always have because in fact, not even sober people like sober people.

5. Being sober improves your chances of fame and fortune.

   I don’t even know how people can propagate this sort of irresponsible trash. Okay, fact: 97% of famous actors, writers, politicians and musicians are drug addicts or gay. So if you claim you’re sober it’s as good as coming out of the closet.

6. Sober people are healthier.

   It is a scientific fact that drinking improves your cholesterol levels and that wine has acetylsalicylic acid in it when also has health benefits. So, in fact, drinking makes you healthier. Sober people die every day and I challenge you to name 50 people who died from drinking or drugs (go ahead and try!).

7. Sober people see things more clearly.

   Define “clearly.” If you mean pouring lives away into useless mortgages, raising ingrates who mimic your missteps while mocking you, and dedicating years to mainstream jobs where real go-getters (read as “cocaine addicts”) leave you behind daily… then I guess sober people do see things more clearly.