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Holy Snakes!
This television script is based on characters from a screenplay The working title of that movie is: “Copyrighted — the consequences of 4 cent copies.” This script, “Holy Snakes,” is intended for cable TV (30-40 minutes) and is roughly (in movie rating) a PG-13. If you’ve never read a script before you might like to know that: VO = Voice Over (or off-screen voice, as in a telephone call where you can’t see the person speaking), CU = Close Up, CUT is for change of camera view or scene, actors’ directions are in parentheses after their names.
"HOLY SNAKES"
ASHLEY POND V
22 MARCH 1998
(characters, situations, and concepts (c)1996)
INT, KOPY KAT, NIGHT
KOPY KAT, a fairly large but unpopular discount COPY SHOP,
is located on CENTRAL AVE near the UNIVERSITY OF NEW MEXICO
in ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO. The shop also does WESTERN
UNION Moneygrams, LAMINATING, BINDING, FAXING, and DESK TOP
PUBLISHING on a small MACINTOSH system.
The shop is well equipped but it is all second rate.
It has EIGHT SELF-SERVE COPIERS and FOUR FULL-SERVICE (one
COLOR) copiers behind the counter. The employees are not
required to wear any variety of uniform. The counter has a
CASH REGISTER, a RADIO/TAPEDECK, and assorted PAPER
DISPLAYS. There are THREE STOOLS behind the counter and a
few CHAIRS around the shop. There is one LOW TABLE with THE
self-service copiers for customers to do work on.
The walls and doors have VARIOUS SIGNS: "We Do Not
Accept Credit Cards." "If You Can Read This, Your Dog May
Not Come In." "KOPY KWALITY? Think KOPY KAT!" There is a
big WALL CLOCK behind the counter.
BART, 28, and TROY, 22, are copy clerks and friends. TROY
wears rock concert shirts and BART always wears the same
oversized plum workshirt which he never tucks in; this is,
in part, to cover his constant erections. They are there
alone, seated at the counter next to each other.
It's closing time and TROY is not there.
There is a new FEMALE EMPLOYEE, 30, white, working on the
counter alone with BART. BART turns the sign to "CLOSED" in
the window. He walks in back and returns carrying a huge
BLACK CANDLE. He sets it on the counter. He goes in the
back for a table and sets out some tarot cards, a big stone
bowl, and crystal stuff on it.
She looks interested more than alarmed. BART lights
the candle and goes in the back.
The lights go off.
BART walks slowly into the front of the shop. He is
wearing a black robe with a hood. He is leading, on a red
ribbon leash, a small lamb.
Now she's alarmed.
He stops at the table with the lamb and takes out a
big knife.
She screams and runs out of the shop.
BART laughs, takes his hood off, and turns on the
light.
He opens the door and there is a LITTLE GIRL, 8,
there.
BART
You're early.
LITTLE GIRL
Sorry, Bart.
BART
(Giving her the leash and the lamb.)
Here you go.
LITTLE GIRL
Thank you, Bart!
BART
No problem, kid. Ha! Get it? Oh, never mind,
see you.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, NEXT MORNING
BART and TROY are at the counter. The shop is, as usual,
nearly empty. There are TWO SELF-SERVE CUSTOMERS on the
self-serve copiers in the front of the shop.
TROY
You made Cheryl quit last night didn't you?
BART
Don't know what you mean.
TROY
Well, she's not coming back. Apparently
whatever you did to her, you've sent her into
therapy.
BART
Hey... we all could use a little personality
work.
TROY
What is it that makes you so horrible to
women?
BART
What makes you so stupid about them?
TROY
I don't think treating people with a sense of
equity is stupid.
BART
I'm nice to them. It's only the select few who
have undergone a hideous, disfiguring, psycho-
active transformation that I'm brusque with.
Those few females are evil and I deal with
them accordingly.
TROY
What evil transformation would that be then?
BART
Puberty.
A N.Y. LIT AGENT, 40, female, comes into the shop; dressed
like a million bucks. She's got a MANUSCRIPT in a BROWN
BAG.
BART
(Being weird.)
May I...?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I've got a sincerely important job and they
were backed up over at Kinko's. Can you guys
handle it? They told me I shouldn't come in
here but you're the only shop near the
airport.
BART
Several of the employees of Kinko's are
jealous because they applied here and were not
chosen for employment. We can handle anything
you've got.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Great. I need... Thirty... ...five of this
manuscript copied and bound; light blue
covers. It's for a literary meeting and party.
It cannot be wrong. Understand?
BART
Please, ma'am. You've come to the right place.
Though we'll probably have to attach a rush
fee.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I can handle that.
BART takes the manuscript from her and pulls it out of the
bag.
BART
Is this what it looks like?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I don't know what it looks like. It's P.J.
O'Rourke's new book.
BART
No!?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Yes. I'm his agent.
BART
Ma'am, you have come to the right place. These
copies will be done as well as any that have
ever been made in the U.S.A.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
They better be. We're having a gathering at my
place in New York tonight. P.J., Gore Vidal,
Noam Chomsky and others will be there along
with a horde of people from the major houses.
I have to get this done before I go. I'm
catching a plane at five so this, hear me now,
this job must be done at four-thirty. I'll get
it on my way to airport.
BART
Absolutely, positively, no problem.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
That's what I like to hear.
BART
Have you handled many political authors?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Yes, I have.
BART
Have you ever represented an unpublished
writer?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I fear to answer this question but, yes,
provided the manuscript was outstanding. I've
done it two or three times.
BART
I've got a Nixon biography written in first
person.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Really?
BART
The research on it is first rate, I assure
you. And anyone who followed him can judge for
himself the depth, accuracy, and integrity of
my characterization, even when the facts of
the history move the character to be
unflattering.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I'm... intrigued. What exactly qualifies you for
this sort of thing?
BART
Politics is my life. I am degreed. I know it
all well enough to write similar books on a
dozen figures through history. And I want to.
But this one took four years to do right and
I'm not financially equipped, shall I say, to
spend the time necessary to do another right
now. But if I were published...
N.Y. LIT AGENT
No promises.
BART
I wouldn't ask.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I will try to read some of it on my way to New
York if you have a copy of it on top of my
job. How's that?
BART
That's glorious.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
See you at four-thirty sharp.
BART
Sharp.
She walks out of the shop. TROY moves to BART's side.
BART
This is so amazing.
TROY
What's that?
BART
My manuscript at that party. It's a dream come
true except for that Chomsky cat. I hope he
doesn't even get to look at it. Fucking
communist.
TROY
What manuscript?
BART
I told you, you moron. Last month when we got
held up. We were all talking about writing and
what a loser you are.
TROY
I don't remember.
BART
The Nixon autobiography.
TROY
If you wrote it it's not an autobiography.
BART
Must we do this again, Alzheimer Alice? It's
written as if it were his autobiography.
TROY
Oh, I remember now.
BART
Anyway, that agent chick is gonna make me
rich.
TROY
Not if you call her "chick" to her face.
BART
My mistake, bitch.
TROY
(Points to the manuscript job.)
You wanna do this?
BART
Actually, classically, you're the best at
large collating jobs.
TROY
What do I have? "Sucker" written on me? Just
ask me if you don't want to do it.
BART
Would'ja?
TROY
Yes.
BART
Make sure it's right, you moron.
TROY
Oh, like I'm gonna do it now.
BART
Oh, like you're not.
TROY just shakes his head and looks out the window.
BART
Okay, okay. I'll do all the binding and the
covers. How's that?
TROY just shakes his head.
BART
Please.
TROY
Okay.
BART
(Under his breath.)
Sucker.
TROY hears but he expected it and doesn't really care.
He starts looking through the original MANUSCRIPT to see
how to break the job down.
BART is working on assembling job materials; covers
and binding supplies. TROY is standing by the register.
A man comes into the shop carrying a HEAVY BURLAP BAG.
He is the SNAKE EVANGELIST, 60ish, bald, white, well-
dressed without a suit jacket. He gestures broadly and
stands in the middle of the shop; spinning around once.
TROY
Uh-oh.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
It has been told, it has, far and wide that
people of this dreadful metropolis feel more
by their minds than by their hearts. I say, by
their hearts. Hearts that have become,
impervious, stone against the one true
feeling. The feeling of a father for a son. Of
a son for a mother. The feeling in your heart
of the love of God, Jesus the Christ, our Lord
and Savior, the sacred heart and only given
son of the Virgin.
BART
Hey, Captain Madcap, you're preaching to the
choir, man. We're all good Penitentes in here.
We love the Lord, isn't that right Troy? Go
ahead and speak in tongues for the good man.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
There are no tricks to faith in the Lord!
BART
Well, not in the plural, anyway.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
The Lord demands but one thing of his
children, yes. One thing. Fidelity. For the
faithful all things are possible, all roads
are open. All darkness is as day--
The SNAKE EVANGELIST reaches into his burlap bag and pulls
out a four foot RATTLESNAKE, its rattle going furiously
though it shows no inclination to bite the man.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
--and all vipers are as lambs!
BART
(Stepping way back.)
Holy Mother Fuck Bucket.
The TWO CUSTOMERS grab at their things quickly and EXIT.
The EVANGELIST displays his SNAKE with grand gestures.
TROY
Sir! Put that snake back in that bag before
someone gets bitten.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
Satan cannot be put away by a man. Neither can
the vipers and serpents of this world. But I'm
here to tell you there's something better than
spending all your days sweeping serpents under
our generations of iniquity and sin.
TROY
Please, sir, the snake!
SNAKE EVANGELIST
I will demonstrate true faith. God protects
those who accept his love. Protects them even
against poison and the Devil himself!
BART
(From the back wall.)
Hey! What are you? Gray matter deprived? Put
the fucking snake back in the bag!
SNAKE EVANGELIST
My arrival here seems very fortuitous. We have
our own kind of snake tongues in the human
world. Now! God give me the strength to--
(Twinges with pain.)
--to, to be your true mess... enger... in your
bright dominion over--
He is having a heart attack.
SNAKE EVANGELIST
(Dropping the bag and clutching his
chest.)
Oh, good Lord.
He stumbles across the shop trying find something to hold
onto. He gets beside the counter and goes to his knees,
puts the snake down. He fumbles with a bottle of nitro
tablets but doesn't get it together. He goes down flat on
his face, dead. His body is obscured from view from the
doors and most of the shop. No one could see it from
outside.
TROY and BART both rush to the counter near him but
can't bring themselves to go around it where the snake and
the bag are lying beside the man.
TROY
We gotta help him.
BART
What's this "we"? You're the one that knows
C.P.R.
TROY
...I, I think he's dead, anyway.
BART
(Pointing.)
Get it!
TROY
Get what!?!
BART
Get the bag before any get out!
TROY
You do it!
BART
You're the animal lover.
RATTLESNAKES OF ALL SIZES are already slithering quickly
out of the bag. More than ten, less than thirty. Some head
all the way behind the counter. Some head toward the doors
and the self-serve machines.
TROY
(Hopping up on the counter.)
Too late.
BART
(Hopping up on the counter too.)
Ah, Holy Butch Suck!
TROY
We need some help here.
BART
Can you reach the phone?
TROY
Yeah.
BART
Call 911.
TROY
I don't know if I can.
BART
And why not exactly? Can't remember the
number?
TROY
I mean, 911 is for emergencies.
BART
Ahh! What is wrong with you?
TROY
Well, is this really an emergency?
BART
Yes!
TROY
We aren't really in any danger though. The
snakes can't get on the counters. And they
aren't aggressive anyway. They don't bite
unless you provoke 'em.
BART
Just dial it!
TROY
There are penalties for misusing 911, man.
BART
Oh, you're so suburban it makes me puke.
TROY
I'm calling animal control.
BART
Just call somebody.
TROY goes through the phone book. BART looks peeved while
waiting through this. TROY finds the number and calls.
TROY
Hello. Yeah, we've got a couple-
BART
A couple!?
TROY
-of rattlesnakes in our shop here. ...Ah, wow, I
see... ...uh, huh... ...okay... ...yeah, yeah, I will...
...thanks, bye.
(He hangs up.)
BART
What? What?
TROY
All their guys are busy. Some carnival let a
tiger loose up in the Coronado Mall. They said
to call 911.
BART
Jeeze-us! What did I tell you?
TROY
(Dialing.)
I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
CUT TO
INT, 911 OPERATIONS ROOM
911 OPERATOR
911. Please state the nature of your
emergency.
TROY (VO)
Uh, yeah. An evangelist with a bag of
rattlesnakes came in our copy shop about five
minutes ago. He pulled out one of the snakes
and started preaching with it and I think he
had a little angina going 'cause he just
grabbed his chest and keeled over, dead, I
think, and dropped the bag. I guess we need an
ambulance but it's not gonna do him any good.
The real problem is we've got snakes all over
the place and we can't get down from the
counters to get out of here.
911 OPERATOR
Excuse me.
TROY (VO)
I know it's out there but Animal Control said
to call you guys.
911 OPERATOR
This is Kopy Kat on Central?
TROY (VO)
Yes.
911 OPERATOR
Is this Bart?
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY
(Pulling the phone down and covering it.)
She thinks I'm you. What did you do to her?
BART
Nothing.
CUT
INT, 911 OPERATIONS ROOM, FLASHBACK
911 OPERATOR
911. Please state the nature of your
emergency.
BART (VO)
(In great pain.)
Oh, I need help.
911 OPERATOR
Tell me what's wrong. We'll get you some help.
BART (VO)
My stomach. Oh, god, it hurts.
911 OPERATOR
Do you have a medical condition?
BART (VO)
No.
911 OPERATOR
Have you eaten something?
BART (VO)
Yes.
911 OPERATOR
Can you tell me what you've eaten?
BART (VO)
It was an adovada burrito from that damn cart
in front of the SUB. Oh, it feels like I'm
dying. Oh, god, I'm dying here.
CUT
911 OPERATOR
911. Please state the nature of your
emergency.
BART (VO)
I've got a serious electrical hazard going on
in the workplace here.
911 OPERATOR
Do you have a downed or exposed electrical
wire?
BART (VO)
Well, I just realized I've been walking around
on the carpet in rubber soled shoes all day
and what with how dry it's been this week I'm
sure I've built up the most painful charge
I'll ever experience in my life. I can feel
it. I'm scared to touch anything but the phone
which is plastic and that's just gonna make
things worse.
911 OPERATOR
Are you telling me you called me over fear of
a static shock?
BART (VO)
Hey, come on. I pay taxes. Just send out a Van
deGraff specialist or something, huh.
CUT
911 OPERATOR
911. Please state the nature of your
emergency. No. Wait a minute. Is this Bart?
BART (VO)
Yes.
911 OPERATOR
Make it good or you're in a lot of trouble.
BART (VO)
If that's how you feel about it maybe I
shouldn't have called.
911 OPERATOR
Just explain what's wrong and I'll decide if
you should or shouldn't've called.
BART (VO)
Well, the toilet won't flush, and it's pretty
ugly in there, and I thought maybe you could
get an emergency crew out here.
911 OPERATOR
That's it! What's your full name, sir?
BART (VO)
Simpson. Bartholomew Simpson.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, PRESENT
BART
Put it on speaker phone, man.
TROY reaches over, switches the phone to speaker mode and
hangs-up the handset.
BART
Look, this is Bart and I'm formally
apologizing for the admittedly frivolous calls
I've made to you and 911 in the past but this
is not a joke! We've got about a hundred
cobras in here!
TROY
Cut it out.
CUT TO
INT, 911 OPERATIONS ROOM
911 OPERATOR
How many did you say?
TROY (VO)
Uh, I've actually counted fifteen and they're
not cobras they're plain old rattlesnakes.
There could be a couple more, I guess.
911 OPERATOR
You expect me to believe that some guy just
wandered into your copy shop with a bag of
rattlesnakes, started preaching to you, had a
heart attack, and dumped them in your shop?
TROY (VO)
Yes, in fact, I do.
911 OPERATOR
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
How's someone gonna get snakes out of the zoo?
Tell me that.
TROY (VO)
He didn't! You don't go to the zoo for
rattlesnakes! You just catch 'em outside.
They're everywhere.
911 OPERATOR
How stupid do you think I am?
TROY (VO)
Oh, ohhhh... I get it. You're from the East
Coast aren't you?
911 OPERATOR
What does that have to do with anything?
TROY (VO)
Are you gonna send us some help or not?
911 OPERATOR
No. Though we will probably send an officer
out to arrest you, Mr. Simpson. If that's
really your name.
TROY (VO)
It's not. It's not his either. I'm Troy! Just
send somebody now, arrest or otherwise.
911 OPERATOR
We'll send someone when we're good and ready.
Do not make your situation worse by abusing
911 again.
She throws the hang-up switch.
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT
BART and TROY are still up on the counters. TROY pushes the
button to turn off the phone.
BART
(Sean Connery voice.)
Our situation has not improved.
TROY
I'm going out Saturday night and find me some
new friends.
BART
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
TROY
I'm getting out of here. Let's go. I don't
think there are any snakes between here and
the back door yet. We can lock the place up
and wait till we get some snake control in
here.
BART
We're not going anywhere.
TROY
I'm telling you they aren't to the back yet.
We can make it.
BART
You know, we've got to get that book job
going.
TROY
What do you mean?
BART
What do you mean, "What do you mean"? That job
has got to get done by four-thirty.
TROY
This is special circumstances, man. No one's
gonna blame us.
BART
I'm not talking about blame, I'm talking about
my Nixon manuscript! There's a major literary
agent who's interested in reading it but not
if we fuck up her author party over a bag of
snakes!
TROY
How are we supposed to do anything? Lookit
that! There's a snake there. There. There.
There's one right under that chair. That makes
twenty. I gan-damn-darantee they're gonna go
right to the copiers because they're the
warmest things in here.
BART
I don't know how we're gonna do it but we're
gonna figure something out and figure it out
now. It's three-thirty.
TROY
Being published is not worth dying over.
BART
You don't know.
TROY is unmoved.
BART
Please, Troy.
TROY
...whhhhhhew... Well, it's a half hour job if you
take the snakes away. What could we do about
that?
BART
Troy, I think we gotta work with the snakes,
okay. You're the one who said they're not so
dangerous.
TROY
Yeah, I can't see a way around that. Hey, can
you reach that stool?
BART
Yeeeeeah. Okay, we can do this thing.
BART takes the stool moves it so that if he steps on top of
it and then squats he can reach the controls of the copier.
TROY
That works.
BART
Smart. We can do this.
TROY
How stable is that thing?
BART tests it gently like a surfboard.
BART
Um, not so.
TROY
We gotta be mucho careful. Walking around with
them would be safer than falling on one,
understand. Reptiles do not like surprises.
BART
Gotcha.
They look over the situation in the shop. The copiers are
not so close to the counter and they face the opposite way.
The paper and other materials are similarly not near enough
to counter to reach for.
By moving the three large shop STOOLS they can get
themselves around to get paper and operate the machines but
it is rickety and slow going.
TROY
Get me some paper, this thing smells empty. I
need at least eight reams.
BART
Okayyyyyy...
BART moves the stools to get to the stack of paper
boxes while TROY moves his stool to get to the copier.
He has the N.Y. Agent's originals under his arm. BART
gets a box open and starts throwing the
packages of paper to TROY.
BART
(Throwing a ream.)
Alley-oop!
TROY
Shhhwing, batter-batter-batter.
BART
This is gonna be fun.
TROY
Let's just be careful. You don't have medical
insurance.
BART
What are you trying to do, scare me?
The front door opens and a CUSTOMER, female, starts to walk
in.
BART
Hey!!!
The CUSTOMER freezes in shock.
BART
Look down.
The CUSTOMER does this. Drops her books and heads back out
the way she came.
TROY
Oh, man, we gotta do something about that.
BART
I tend to agree. ...and?
TROY
We gotta lock the doors.
BART
Great idea.
They both just look at each other.
BART
Start the copies.
TROY
What are you gonna do?
BART
I'll look into it. Throw me the keys.
TROY pulls his key ring out and throws it to BART.
BART
Keep an eye on those things. Those copies have
to be perfect.
TROY
'Kay.
BART, using two stools, makes his way to one of the doors.
He sets one ahead of him, steps onto it then moves the
other forward. He's got two doors to lock on the WEST and
NORTH sides of the shop.
BART
This is great. We can finally have a real
conversation now that all the fucking dips are
out of here.
BART is almost to the first door.
TROY
Yeah? You've got something on your mind?
BART
Oh, it's just I gotta hold my tongue all day
on account of the feminazi dykes that come
through here. And if it's not them, it's some
radical wing of the Campus Crusade for Christ
bone-heads trying to drive the nails into
everybody who'll listen. And if it's not that
it's some new skirt in here that's resistant
to my anti-employment therapy.
BART locks the first door. He heads to the other side of
the shop, one stool in front of the other, to lock the
second door.
TROY
You know you could hold your tongue for me
too.
BART
Why?
TROY
On account of how I don't really enjoy your
misogyny any better than anybody else.
BART
You liked it fine last weekend. You were
laughing your ass off at the stuff I was
saying during the Vagisil commercial.
TROY
That's not fair. I just broke up with Jennifer
that morning. It was therapeutic.
BART
You realize that for someone with so many
double standards you've got a lot of hypocrisy
going on.
TROY
Oh, I hope you fall on a snake.
BART is almost to the door.
BART
(To himself, dramatically.)
Just a little farther...
He turns his head because he sees something out of the
corner of his eye.
CAMERA: reveals an OPHISPHOBE, 20ish, female, in the
front of shop. She is in a heap in the corner, clearly
terrified of snakes. She's too scared to move.
BART
Oh, Troy, we've got a problem out here.
TROY
Just jiggle it. That one's harder to lock.
BART
There's a woman out here.
TROY
You can't be serious.
BART
I am.
TROY
Is she okay?
BART
She looks real scared, man. She's on the
floor.
TROY
Are there any snakes near her?
BART
Near... I guess that's relative. Yes.
TROY
Get her up on a stool.
BART
I'll try.
BART begins to move the stools toward her. She won't look
away from the snakes. She is unblinking, shaking.
BART
Hey, how's it going?
OPHISPHOBE
I...
BART
(Taking the stools to her.)
Hey, it's gonna be cool. We'll get you out of
here in a minute. Just take it easy, kick
back, relax and think about how funny this'll
be to your pals at work tomorrow.
While BART is talking to her another CHEERY CUSTOMER, 30,
male, walks in. TROY has his face in the copier. BART
doesn't hear the door; his back is to it.
BART
(Reaching a hand down.)
So come on up here with me.
OPHISPHOBE
I... can't.
BART
Sure you can.
OPHISPHOBE
I can't!!
BART
Hmmm.
The CHEERY CUSTOMER strolls easily and happily. He gives
BART a curious look because he's on the stool but he
certainly doesn't see the snakes.
He gets to the counter. He sees TROY up on the copier
and the stool. He looks puzzled. He waits a moment.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
Excuse me.
TROY
(Startled, spinning around.)
Jesus!
BART
What's going on?
BART cannot see the counter around the corner.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
Didn't mean to scare you. I need some rsum
copies.
TROY
Not if you take another step out there.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
What?
TROY
Sir, this is not a joke. Please don't move,
okay?
CHEERY CUSTOMER
Ummm, okay. What's the gag?
TROY
Do you think you can hop up on the counter?
CHEERY CUSTOMER
Why would I want to?
TROY
Look down.
He does. There is a RATTLESNAKE on his shoe.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
There's a snake on my shoe
BART
(Short and sharp.)
What's...going...on?
TROY
We've got a customer with one of our little
religious friends on his shoe.
BART
Tell him not to move.
TROY
I think he knows.
BART
I'll come get him. ...As soon as I can get her.
BART reaches a hand down and takes her hand. The physical
contact cues her to go scrabbling up the stool. But like a
drowner she is too anxious to get saved and she just about
knocks BART off several times. He struggles to get her
stationary and then they start the one stool after the
other trek to the counter.
TROY
(To the Cheery Customer.)
Sir. I'll get it off you.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
Please hurry.
TROY
Let me think.
TROY looks around for resources. He picks up a can of COKE.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
What are you doing?
TROY
If snakes find this stuff as irritating as I
did the first time I tried it I think it'll
scare it off.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
These are two hundred dollar shoes.
TROY
You have some interesting priorities, sir.
CHEERY CUSTOMER
You're right, sorry. Reflex. Go ahead.
TROY leans over the counter and pours COKE on the SNAKE. It
doesn't like it much at all and heads off. The CHEERY
CUSTOMER jumps up on the counter with TROY.
BART and the woman manage to get to the counter.
They help the CHEERY CUSTOMER on with them, with a lot
of "Be careful"s, and "Watch it"s. It is extremely
precarious having three people stand on the stool at once.
They have to hold onto each other and stand on the top
rungs of the stool.
They begin shifting the stools through the snakes
toward the nearest door.
TROY
Be careful. Go slow.
BART
(Luke Skywalker voice.)
You just keep running those copies, I'll worry
about the snakes.
BART and company get about half-way to the door when it's
just too much and BART is jostled off. He lands on his
belly.
CU: BART's FACE is a couple of feet from an angry SNAKE.
The SHOT is a visual parody of the similar shot from the
Chamber of the Ark in "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK".
TROY
Don't move!
TROY throws his apron. It arcs, spinning like a frisbee,
over BART. It lands on the snake, covering it.
BART
(Getting back on the stools.)
Thanks, man.
TROY
Be...more...careful.
BART
Now why didn't I think of that?
BART gets the CUSTOMERS to the door and unlocks it and gets
them out.
TROY
There goes my hero.
BART
(To himself while locking the door.)
Done and done-er.
TROY
Way, to go, man.
BART
(On his way back to the counter.)
That's more like it. How's it going with the
copies?
TROY
Good. Half done. First twenty are almost up.
Gotta run fifteen more and get 'em bound.
Wanna start punching 'em?
BART
Yeah. But first I wanna make sure my
manuscript is ready to go.
TROY
Where is it?
BART
Under the counter in my box.
TROY
You sure you wanna reach around under there?
BART
What's a boy to do?
BART lies on the counter on his stomach. His box is under
the counter. It's filled with various personal things:
magazines, shirts, copies, photos, books...
He reaches in slowly, watching for snakes, and digs
through it a little. And then a little deeper and faster.
Then he reaches behind the box under the shelf.
BART
(Screams!)
TROY
God! Are you bit?
BART
No!
TROY
What the hell's wrong?
BART
My manuscript is at home!
(...Screams.)
TROY
Have you got to do that?
BART
(Mad.)
I think so.
There's a PHONECOP, 45, uniformed, muscular, knocking at
the window. He is not one of the Same Two Cops. BART and
TROY both look over at him. He gestures for them to come
unlock the door and let him in.
BART
Good, we can get some snake control in here so
I can get my manuscript before it's too late.
TROY
I don't think he's here for the snakes. He
doesn't have any snake gear. They wouldn't
have sent one guy and they wouldn't have sent
a deputy. I think he's here for you 'cause of
the 911 call.
BART
Fffff...
TROY
It's okay, he'll see the snakes and you're
off.
BART
But he's gonna wanna lecture me for an hour
about social responsibility and all the same
crap they always have to tell you about. You
think they'd realize you're not listening by
the third time they give the speech.
TROY
Go let him in.
BART
I'm heading out the back.
TROY
Why?
BART
I don't have an hour, I've got a half hour to
get my ass uptown, find my manuscript, I'm not
even sure where it is, and get back down here
in time to give it to the agent.
The PHONECOP raps on the window again. He peers in
curiously because they're on the counters. He doesn't look
down at the snakes.
TROY
There're pro'ly snakes in the back by now.
BART
Nothing for it. Give the keys back.
TROY
You're gonna get bit.
BART
If that's how it's gotta be.
TROY
(Throwing the keys to him.)
You're crazy, joto.
BART
(Catching the keys.)
I didn't know you cared. Just finish that job
or I'll show you crazy.
THIS SCENE: is a slight parody of "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK"
when Indiana Jones is walking through the temple, then
running through the temple; the snakes replacing the poison
darts.
BART looks around under his stool, sees no snakes. He
steps gingerly to the ground. TROY winces with discomfort
while watching.
There is a RATTLESNAKE at BART's ankle underneath the
overhanging base of the counter. BART hears it, sees it,
and it strikes. BART jumps up in the air and it misses. He
starts to run.
The PHONECOP outside also starts to run around the
shop to catch him in back.
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT, BACKROOM
BART stops dead as soon as he sees the back. It's full of
snakes.
TROY (VO)
(From the front.)
The cop's going around the back, man!
BART goes flying through the back of the shop. There are
SIX SNAKES lined up there in a gauntlet. They each strike
at him as he runs, jumping over them. He hits the back
door. Gets it unlocked and he's off like a shot.
CUT
TROY waits, listening for the PHONECOP to catch BART or
something. There's nothing so he turns back to the job.
TROY
(To himself.)
Back to copies. Rain or snow, sleet or hail,
you know?
He starts singing, "WHO DO YOU LOVE?" by GEORGE THOROGOOD,
and pulling copies off of the collating trays: top ones to
bottom ones.
When he gets to the last couple he hears the SOUND of
a RATTLE. He jerks his hand back. He leans over to the
side.
CU: COPIER COLLATOR, RATTLESNAKE
The SNAKE is small, curled up on the bottom tray.
TROY
Oh... que chingao.
CUT
INT, BART'S APARTMENT
BART is frantically tearing the place up. He starts in the
LIVING ROOM at his BOOKSHELF. He pulls off about ten books
that are bound from the copy shop.
He flies into the BATHROOM and throws magazines off
the magazine rack next to the toilet.
He goes to the BEDROOM and starts pulling magazines
out from between his mattress and box spring. He flips his
mattress up and there are about 100 GIRLIE MAGAZINES
beneath. He shuffles them around but doesn't find his
manuscript.
He goes back to the living room and kneels down and
closes his eyes.
He reaches over to his book shelf and picks up a NANCY
REAGAN BIOGRAPHY. He closes his eyes again like he's in a
trance.
BART
Evil to evil.
He stands up and uses the Nancy Reagan book as a witching-
rod. He lets it lead him around the room with his eyes
still closed.
Suddenly the book pulls him down and it strikes a
PIZZA BOX. BART opens his eyes. He flips open the pizza box
and his MANUSCRIPT is there. He kisses the Nancy Reagan
book and then spits at the floor with shocked distaste.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY is still there with the little SNAKE on the copier.
TROY has several rolled up sheets of paper taped together
and is trying to push the SNAKE out of the collating tray.
It's not working.
CUT
INT, BART'S APARTMENT
BART looks out his window as he's headed for the door. He
sees the PHONECOP from the shop earlier talking with his
APARTMENT MANAGER.
BART
Holy Columbo.
BART runs to his front door and locks it. He closes the
curtains. He grabs the phone and starts dialing.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY is bent over the side of the copier. The RATTLESNAKE
about two feet away. His hand hovers in the air in front of
his face. His eyes are blank pools of concentration.
He rolls his eyes, takes a deep breath, blows it out.
His hand shoots forward. He catches the SNAKE by the back
of the neck.
He hits the start button to get the copier going
again. He looks around for something to put the SNAKE in.
The PHONE rings and TROY jumps but doesn't let go of
the SNAKE. The phone keeps ringing.
He moves over carefully and picks up the phone on the
ninth ring or so.
TROY
Yeah?
BART (VO)
I found it. I'm on the way back.
TROY
I'm a little busy just now.
BART (VO)
Is the job done?
TROY
I say, "I'm a little busy now."
The little SNAKE is twisting in TROY's hand but he wants to
put it in a box and not just dump it on the floor.
BART (VO)
If that job isn't done... I don't know what the
fuck to say... if it's not done...
The COPIER that's running the new set of 15 makes a strange
sound. It's not overly loud. It's the sound of a snake
being ground through the mechanisms...
TROY frowns back at the machine suspiciously--while he
talks--waiting for it to stop or do something else. It
continues running, now quietly and smoothly again.
TROY
It's almost there but I'm a little busy with
the snakes. If you want the job finished you
better get in here and help me. They aren't
bound.
CU: COPIER COLLATING TRAY. The copies coming out of the
tray all have a perfect streak of blood right down the
middle. But the next batch to come out are clean and cover
the bloody ones.
BART (VO)
They aren't bound?
TROY
If we both do it it'll only take ten minutes.
BART (VO)
We've only got fifteen and there's no way I'm
gonna make it before that. I've got phone cops
chasing me.
TROY
I'll try. I have to go now.
(Hangs up.)
TROY grabs a BOX of SNACK CRACKERS from under the counter.
He puts the snake in it and closes the top.
He writes, "SNAKE," on the box in permanent marker. He
puts the box next to the telephone.
TROY starts scooping the stacks of copies from the
collator. He doesn't see that there is anything wrong with
them.
CUT
EXT, THE BACK OF BART'S APARTMENT BUILDING
BART is climbing out of the bathroom window. There is the
SOUND of knocking and the PHONECOP calling for him. BART
drops the MANUSCRIPT to the ground and dives out after it.
BART sneaks around the building. The PHONECOP is
hammering at his door and calling for the APARTMENT MANAGER
to come open it. BART creeps to his FORD and climbs in.
The PHONECOP sees him and runs to jump in his car to
pursue.
But Bart's FORD won't start. The PHONECOP starts his
vehicle and drives it over next to BART's and jumps out to
come around to the driver's side. The FORD starts then and
BART throws a lot of gravel fishtailing out of the lot. The
PHONECOP gets back in his car to chase him.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT
TROY has stacks of copies and covers next to the BINDING
MACHINE all out on the counter with him. He is binding like
a demon. It's amazing to watch; superhuman. He is grabbing
paper, punching it, and setting it aside as fast as hands
can move.
He is singing "JERRY WAS A RACECAR DRIVER" by PRIMUS.
CUT
EXT, STOP LIGHT ON CITY STREET, DAY
BART's FORD is stopped at a red light at a big
intersection. The PHONECOP's vehicle is behind it. The
PHONECOP, however, is standing at BART's door pounding on
his window telling him to get out of the car. BART acts
like he can't see or hear him.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT
The N.Y. LIT AGENT is knocking on the window. TROY looks at
her and gives her a sign to wait for just a second.
He leans way over the counter and looks around. There
are no snakes visible on the path to the door. They've all
headed under copiers and other hiding places.
He steps on the floor gently. He takes the BOX OF HER
COPIES to the door. He unlocks and opens the door and
blocks it so she can't come in.
TROY
Ma'am, you do not want to come in here. We've
got some snakes running around loose.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Really?
TROY
The day I've had. Don't ask.
She picks up the top manuscript copy and flips through it.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
These look good.
TROY
Bart was sure to get on my case about it. It's
all he could talk about. Making the job right.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Where is he, anyway?
TROY
He had to run get his manuscript. He called
though and he will be here any second. Two or
three minutes at the outside.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I'm sorry but I'm running behind as it is. I
can't even wait that long. Just tell me how
much it is so I can get out of here.
TROY
It's... $373.63. Your receipt is on top.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
(Giving him $400 cash.)
Here you go.
TROY
Let me get your change.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Don't worry, no time. Gotta go.
TROY
Okay...
She turns around to go to her car. BART comes out of
nowhere, breathing heavily.
BART
Hi!
N.Y. LIT AGENT
Hi, I thought you weren't going to make it.
BART
Never happen. Here you go.
He puts his NIXON MANUSCRIPT on the top of her box of
copies.
The PHONECOP runs out of nowhere and grabs BART by the
back of the neck and arm.
PHONECOP
Got you!
N.Y. LIT AGENT
What's going on?
PHONECOP
Nothing serious. Just a little Federal law
violation on the old telephone.
BART
I'm telling you. We got snakes.
N.Y. LIT AGENT
(Trying to help Bart.)
Officer, this young man told me the same
thing.
PHONECOP
Lady, these two are kind of famous around
here for this kind of thing. Now-
(To Bart.)
Inside we go.
BART
No! I'm not going!
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I have to go. See you all.
BART
When can you let me know about the manuscript?
N.Y. LIT AGENT
I like to move quick on things. If I like the
looks of your manuscript I'll call you
tonight.
She gets in her car with the box of copies. The PHONECOP
struggles to get BART to the door.
BART
I'll be waiting for your call. Troy, give her
a Kopy Kat card.
TROY runs to the side of her car and gives her a card.
PHONECOP
Get in there.
The PHONECOP wrangles BART through the door of the shop.
BART
Nnno, no! You moron. No!
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT, DAY
The PHONECOP roughly throws BART in. BART almost falls,
then doesn't fall and jumps up. In two giant steps he's on
top of the counter.
PHONECOP
What the hell is the matter with you? I gotta
chase you all over the damn city like the Man
in the Yellow Hat. Now your monkey ass is
bouncing around like you really want a
beating.
BART
It wasn't a joke, man!
PHONECOP
(Walking to the counter Bart stands on.)
I'll never understand young people today. You
just don't know when to quit.
A RATTLESNAKE bites him in the ankle when he gets to the
counter. He hops up next to BART grabbing his leg in pain.
PHONECOP
Christ! There's a fucking rattlesnake in here.
Call 911.
TROY and BART exchange looks of exasperation and disgust.
BART
They don't take calls from this location
anymore.
The PHONECOP looks sincerely frightened, he's bitten and he
can't see a way out of the shop without getting bitten
again.
BART
How 'bout it, Troy. Wanna go call from the
Pizza Pigs?
TROY
I'm on the mo'fo'.
BART
That's all you had to say, negro.
TROY heads over to the Pizza place next door.
BART
(To the Phonecop.)
While he's doing that, you ever hear the one
about the two guys who go camping? One gets
bitten on the ass by a rattlesnake when he's
taking a crap. His buddy gets on the radio to
the doctor. Doctor says, "You gotta make a
couple little cuts where he got bitten and
then suck the poison out and he'll be fine."
Guy gets off the radio, comes back to his
friend. He asks, "What'd the doctor say?" His
friend replies, "He says you're gonna die."
The PHONECOP winces with the pain of the joke and the snake
venom. He looks down at the side of the counter where the
SNAKE EVANGELIST fell and is still lying.
PHONECOP
There's a dead body!
BART
You don't miss a trick, do you? That was part
of our 911 report which your people chose to
disregard.
The PHONECOP looks very confused and scared.
PHONECOP
(Dropping his mouth open.)
Oh, god. I taste metal in my mouth.
BART
Oh, yeah! I read about that. Happens with
snakebites. It means you're gonna die. Ah,
don't worry. We'll get you some help. In the
meantime, did I mention I wanted to be a cop
when I was a kid? Let me tell you all about
it.
The PHONECOP looks like he wants to cry.
CUT
EXT, KOPY KAT, LATE AFTERNOON
They are taking the PHONECOP off in an AMBULANCE. And the
SNAKE EVANGELIST in a CORONER'S WAGON.
An E.M.T. is talking with TROY.
E.M.T.
Sorry nobody believed you about the snakes.
They can't get anyone down here tonight for
the snakes. You guys should just lock up and
meet the animal control guys down here
tomorrow morning.
TROY
I have no response to that. Okay, I guess.
E.M.T.
Don't go back in there for any reason. We
radioed the hospital and they said that
they've only got access to enough antivenin
for one right now.
TROY
I wasn't planning on it.
E.M.T.
See you.
BART
(Yells at the Phonecop in the ambulance.)
Maybe you'll believe us next time! It's not so
funny when the wolf gets the townspeople
instead of the kid, is it?!
The AMBULANCE and CORONER's WAGON drive off.
BART opens the door to the shop and bends down trying
to see where all the snakes are.
TROY
What are you doing?
BART
I'm going back in.
TROY
You know, I'm so used to you being... I don't
know, smarter than me about this kind of thing
that I can't believe what a fucking idiot you
are being.
BART
What's that supposed to mean?
BART makes a dash for the counter and jumps up on it.
TROY
Hey!
CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT
BART
The agent is calling here. This is where I
stay.
TROY stands in the doorway but he's not coming in. BART
picks up the telephone book.
TROY
You aren't gonna order in are you? That's
attempted murder.
BART
That call could take all night. I ain't
spending the evening in a knot of Satan's baby
brethren. Besides, since when was closing four
hours early okay with you?
TROY
So, who're you gonna call?
BART
(Stabbing a finger at the page.)
Ha! I knew it. It's just stupid enough to be
the phonebook of this stupid state.
TROY
Lay off my beautiful and enchanting home
state, man.
BART
Whatever.
BART puts the phonebook down and dials a number.
CUT
EXT, KOPY KAT, LATE AFTERNOON
There is freelance SNAKE CATCHER, 30, male, Mescalero
Apache. BART and TROY are with him at the shop's door.
BART
Can you clean out those things?
SNAKE CATCHER
Sure.
TROY
How much?
SNAKE CATCHER
Cheap.
TROY
Cheap is?
SNAKE CATCHER
Five bucks a snake.
TROY
Kind of high, we've got a mess of 'em in here.
That's gonna be a hundred bucks.
SNAKE CATCHER
It's very reasonable and it insures the
quality of my work. When you're paying by the
snake instead of the job you know you're
getting a good work.
BART
Don't be tight, Troy.
TROY
Okay.
CUT
The SNAKE CATCHER is on his way out. He's got a bag filled
with the snakes on his shoulder.
SNAKE CATCHER
You're good to go, boys. Got 'em all.
TROY
How many?
SNAKE CATCHER
Twenty-six. Some big ones too.
TROY
Really?
SNAKE CATCHER
(Holding the bag open.)
You wanna count 'em?
TROY
(Paying him.)
No, thank you. Here you go. There's a hundred
and thirty bucks.
SNAKE CATCHER
Thanks.
TROY
What're you gonna do with 'em?
SNAKE CATCHER
Let the little ones go maybe I can catch them
again for somebody. A couple of the big ones
are for dinner.
TROY
Uuuhh...
SNAKE CATCHER
Don't knock it till you try it. Bye now.
BART
B'Bye.
CUT
TROY and BART reenter the shop. Slowly and carefully.
BART
Looks good. I don't see any.
TROY
Stevie's not gonna believe this.
BART
Say, that was swell of you getting that banged
out in time.
TROY
It was an adventure.
BART
Did you get a chance to check the copy quality
and everything.
TROY
I only had time to look one of 'em over.
BART
Oh...
TROY
You know how it is, if the top one is good
then the others are too. The collator didn't
do any monkey business I'd have caught that.
BART
I hope so.
TROY
Well, we got any jobs?
BART
Not one.
TROY
Don't need two of us on the clock. I'm going
home if you wanna stay. You can close.
BART
You got it.
TROY
Well, do the register and everything and do it
right for a change. Don't leave the radio on
or anything. Do the whole close-list.
BART
Okay, okay.
TROY
Here're the keys. Goodluck.
BART
Thanks.
TROY gets to the door, stops, slowly turns around.
BART
What is it?
TROY
I feel like there's something really important
I'm forgetting.
BART
You say that every single time you leave
before I do.
TROY
I guess you're right.
BART
See ya' later, oc-o-to-puss.
TROY
See ya'. Hope you sell your book so we can
afford better beer.
BART
Ah, but then I could afford better friends to
drink it with.
TROY leaves flipping BART off without looking back.
BART looks at his watch, at the clock, at the
telephone. He turns on the radio and tunes it from a Rock
station to an Easy Listening station. He locks the doors,
flipping a "BACK IN 5 MINUTES SIGN" around. He takes off
his apron and heads to the back of the shop to go to the
bathroom.
FADE AND CUT TO
INT, KOPY KAT, BATHROOM
BART is standing on the toilet. There is an enormous, fat,
old RATTLESNAKE sitting in the open doorway of the
bathroom.
BART
Shoo!
BART looks at his watch with a bit of concern. He takes the
roll of toilet paper off the wall and throws it at the
snake. He misses and the snake doesn't notice.
There is the SOUND of the PHONE ringing from the front
of the shop.
BART
No...
BART looks at the snake, looks out toward the ringing
phone, looks back at the snake, torn.
CUT
INT, RITZY N.Y. SUITE, LITERARY PARTY, NIGHT
The N.Y. AGENT is surrounded by a rich party. She has the
PHONE on her shoulder. It is ringing on the other end but
is not being answered. Her friend, CIGAR GUY, 45, is
standing there too.
CIGAR GUY
I'm telling you, no one wants to see anything
to do with Nixon right now.
N.Y. AGENT
(Still listening to the phone ring.)
It's good though. You don't know.
CIGAR GUY
Of course I do. Everyone's sick to death of
political scandal and intrigue. No one wants
the current scandals let alone ones from the
past.
N.Y. AGENT
He's not answering.
CIGAR GUY
Are you actually begging? Do you realize there
are real writers in the other room who want to
meet you. Come on, I'll introduce you to a
friend of mine who's got a great Carter book.
No scandal. Just good political writing.
N.Y. AGENT
Well...
CIGAR GUY
Oh, give it a rest. Come on. Have a drink,
enjoy the party.
N.Y. AGENT
Maybe you're right.
CIGAR GUY
I always am.
N.Y. AGENT
No. No, I'm telling you. This is a great book
this kid has written. I've never seen anything
like it. I'm going to give him another minute
and try back tomorrow if he doesn't pick up.
The AGENT's friend, VICKI, 40, female, comes over with one
of the manuscripts.
VICKI
Say, Seri...
N.Y. AGENT
Yeah?
VICKI
What's this? Do you think?
VICKI holds out the manuscript. It's open to the middle and
there is a lot of snake blood staining the pages.
Someone screams in the other room.
CUT
INT, KOPY KAT, BATHROOM
SOUND: The phone stops ringing.
The SNAKE and BART are still in the same positions;
floor and toilet, respectively.
BART
This is not happening to me.
FADE OUT
INT, KOPY KAT, EARLY MORNING
TITLE CARD: FINAL CREDITS
FADE IN: CU: BOX of CRACKERS. The box, next to the
PHONE, that TROY put the little rattlesnake in. The word
"SNAKE" written on its side.
SOUND: Radio playing "WONDERFUL WORLD," keys in a
lock, door opening, footsteps, a purse being set down on
the counter.
STEPHI (VO)
(Nearby.)
Come on, let's go. We've gotta be in Santa Fe
by eight.
STEVIE (VO)
(From farther away.)
I just need to get a copy of the business
proposal.
STEPHI (VO)
The boys left the radio on again.
STEVIE (VO)
What?
SOUND: Radio being switched off.
STEPHI (VO)
Never mind.
(To herself, turning it off.)
They left the "OPEN" sign on too. Fucking
Bart.
STEVIE (VO)
What?
STEPHI (VO)
Nothing! ...I wish we'd gotten breakfast.
STEVIE (VO)
The boys always have food laying around.
There. There's some crackers by the phone.
Grab the box, I found the proposal. Let's get
going.
CU: still on the BOX. STEPHI's hand enters the frame and
takes it.
SOUND: purse being picked up, steps, door opening and
closing, keys turning in a lock.
BART (VO)
(Yells from back, sleepy, disoriented.)
Hey...! Stevie? Is that you?!
- THE END -
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