From: “CM” <name-withheld@hotbox.com>
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2003 1:47:33 PM US/Pacific
To: “Dandy Steven” <cat-fancier@sedition.com>
X-Spam-Level: ******
Subject:

Dear Sir,

I have been sober for 4 days now and frankly it’s interfering with my ability to kill the babies of the squirrels who have moved into the attic and to get in the right mood to finish my paint-by-the-numbers Odalisque of 1974 Lynda Carter, should the squirrel pups decease their scratching long enough to let me mix enough clitoral pink for region 24, in any case.

Concerned but not yet desperate,
CM

From: “Dandy Steven” <cat-fancier@sedition.com>
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2003 4:52:27 PM US/Pacific
To: “CM” <name-withheld@hotbox.com>
Subject:

What?! You got me up for this, “Barnaby?” Let’s get something straight. Whether or not, as you assert, perhaps too much, Calvin could take the beating which you could and seem doomed to, is beside the point; as you must admit. All that matters in this case is that he has the common courtesy not to wake me up at all hours with “imaginary” conversations about so called habits.

Lay of the tuna-fish, my boy.

From: “CM” <name-withheld@hotbox.com>
Date: Thu Dec 18, 2003 10:25:14 PM US/Pacific
To: “Dandy Steven” <cat-fancier@sedition.com>
X-Spam-Level: ********
Subject:

Upon further introspection, of your disappointingly disappointed email, I’ve come to the conclusion that on certain points you are, shall we say, barking up the wrong alley.

Firstly, by finishing with the words, “Lay OF the tuna-fish” did you mean, “lay OFF?” or do you suspect me of inseminating sushi? The ambiguity is potential, and given time away, and a ridiculously long break from school.

I can’t decide.

Time, relativititties and acid. You are incontemptible, yet relationships abide.

Let my family be.

The more I think about it, the less I do.

Pretensions. Inversions. 5-1-3 is to 6-2-4 as a nine chord is to your sister’s wedding gown — Get it?

Adieu.

Less adieu about the tonic (key), more I do to put a bee in your vomit.

Gin. Ginny, gin, gin.